An open letter to the person who made me hate myself, from someone who is tired of hating themselves.

I bet you have no idea that this letter is about you. You are probably sitting somewhere in the world, living in your ignorant bliss as you don't realize the damage you have caused. It was the off-hand comments, the blatant insults, the cuts to my self-esteem that finally did it. I hated myself as much as you hated me.

I always wonder why it seemed so important to you to make me feel small. Did someone, once upon a time, make you feel small? Is that why you made it your one desire to ruin my happiness? Everyone always told me that some day the words would stop hurting, that someday you will have moved on and so will I, and it will all be done by then, but so far that has not offered much comfort. You still haunt me, you're still in my mind when an insecurity nudges at the edges of my deepest subconscious. I wish I knew what it was that you hoped to gain from making me miserable.

Everyone always tells me that someday I will feel sorry for you, because obviously there was some reason you tormented me. Something that should make me feel sorry for you as they say I should, but I cannot bring myself to feel a shred of sympathy for you. So often was I told to just take what you said to me, so often was I told that you had a reason, and that to be the bigger person I simply had to knuckle under and let your words wash over.

I don't feel sorry for you because I did nothing to you. I don't know if I had something you wanted, or was something you weren't, or if simply my mere existence drove you to this behavior, but I am tired of trying to feel sorry for you. I am tired of trying to rationalize why you did it. Perhaps some day I will feel sympathy, but for right now I would rather learn to stop hating myself. I try, but you're always there to halt my process, and I wish I could hate you for it but I can't because for so long I tried to be the bigger person. I succeeded sometimes and it was during those times that I knew I would be stronger because of you, maybe not all the time, but some time. I wish I could be strong all the time and maybe I will get there someday, but for right now I just want to be able to look at myself and not hear your voice.

I hope you realize someday that you made me hate myself and that someday you will hate yourself, and I'm sorry because I know that is awful, and I will love myself. Someday. I'm getting better but I used to be so much better than I am right now.