When I think about you, about us, I immediately remember all of the bad times. Right now, I can think of at least five different petty arguments that escalated into catastrophic blowouts, which lead to us not speaking for days. We always said things in anger that we didn't mean, but that the other would never be able to forget once we made up. Cheap shots replaced compliments, causing us to resent each other.
Looking back, it's almost unfathomable that we were able to stay together so long. What's even crazier is that I find myself still caring about you. It's rapidly approaching a year that we have been apart, yet somehow I still have those days where I miss you. Certain places and songs bring back nostalgia, causing me to wonder if I made a mistake.
When our relationship ended, I was lost. You were my best friend for three years. You were there to help me get through all of my struggles, while helping me celebrate my successes. From high school to my freshman year in college, you remained a constant in my life. I could never imagine a life without you either. You made me believe you would always be there, until you weren't. We called it quits after mentally destroying each other for months. I knew us being done meant you would completely cut me out of your life. Even though I was lonely, I felt myself being relieved. The sadness and loneliness I felt was a product of me investing too much happiness into you. I was forced to make several apologies to those whom I did not prioritize because you were always first in my life. I apologized to my friends and family, and worked on strengthening those relationships. Most importantly, I apologized to myself. I said sorry to myself for letting something so destructive be in my life for so long.
As time went on, I realized that my own personal issues played a big role in our demise. I was insecure, immature and an overall unhappy person. You couldn't give me what I waned because I didn't even know what I wanted. I was constantly struggling between not wanting to answer to anyone and not wanting to hurt you. It wasn't until I was alone for a while that I realized that I actually love being alone. I could sit on the couch and watch whatever kind of movie I wanted. I didn't have to make compromises. If I wanted to go to a party, I went. I didn't have to worry about you getting mad or jealous about whom I would be talking to. I loved you, but I love myself more. Becoming a person I love became more important to me than trying to make someone love me. Honest self-reflection made me realize that I wasn't good to you, or myself.
Now it feels as if that person who dated you wasn't even me at all. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you loved a version of me that I don't even like. I would have never grown as a person or realized the errors in my ways if we stayed together. I learned relationships can't work until you realize your own self-worth. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you're amazing. You have to believe it, too. When I think of how much I don't like my past self, that's why I am able to still care about you. You put up with me for a long time, maybe too long. Thank you for that.
Of course, our relationship wasn't all bad. The love we had was real. I find myself still comparing your better qualities to other people I try to be with. Despite how it ended, I have no hard feelings, and I hope that you don't have any towards me either.
Best Of Luck,
Your Ex
