Dear People Who Clap At The End Of Airplane Rides,
What are you doing?
I met you five hours ago. We had a great conversation after you loaded your suitcase into the overhead bin. You told me about how you just got back from your 30-year high school reunion and are heading back home. You seemed like a great woman and have made the long flight more than enjoyable. And then you did the thing.
You clapped when we landed. When we landed, you clapped.
You had everything going for you, woman. We could have been the best of friends, but you ruined that by clapping when we landed.
Why did you do this?
The pilots, who are in their cockpit, announced that we have landed. Mind you, they are in their cockpit. They can’t hear you clap. Are you just clapping to hear the sound of your sweaty palms smacking against each other?
It is quite literally the job of a pilot to transport you from one place to another. So essentially by clapping at the end of a flight, you are applauding someone for doing their job. Do you applaud your waitress when she brings you your order? No, that would be weird. Do you clap when your pharmacist gives you your medication? No, that too would be weird.
It’s almost as if you were expecting us to crash and were just so surprised that we didn’t crash. By clapping, you had to let everyone know how happy you are to be alive. If that’s the case, then, um, perhaps you shouldn’t fly. If you think that you’re going to die on an airplane, don’t fly.
It's these same people who clap at the end of a flight, who clap at the end of a movie in a movie theater. The movie wasn’t live, and none of the actors, writers or directors can hear you. Nobody who worked on the film can hear you. So why did you clap? Why did you do that? It’s weird. Don’t do that.
And once you start it, the rest of the passengers feel like complete jerks if they don’t join in. So within 20 seconds of your idiocrasy, everyone is joining in on clapping because of peer pressure.
How about we stop doing this altogether. I’m glad that you’re excited to have landed at your destination, but the last thing someone wants to hear after a five-hour-long flight is an audience full of sea otters smacking their hands together. We get it, you have a lot of feelings. Keep them to yourself.
When you clap at the end of a plane flight, you’re being weird. Not only are you being weird, but you may have just lost the friend you made at the beginning of the flight. I treasured that five-hour friendship that we had, but I just can’t be friends with someone who did the thing at the end of the flight.
I can’t be friends with you if you clap at the end of an airplane flight.
Thanks in advance for not clapping,
Hannah Ellenhorn
(Hold the applause.)
