While scrolling through Facebook late one night, I came across a video of a mother who was telling the story of how her young son, only in middle school, killed himself. He was bullied to the point where he believed that there was no one out there to help him and that there was no other way out of the misery was suicide. This brought back memories which inspired this letter but I just wanted to say something before I confront those who hurt me. If you are being bullied you are not alone, talk to your parents, your teachers, anyone. Bullying is NOT okay because no one deserves the pain that comes with it.
To My Bullies,
Do you remember what you did to me? Do you remember the torture? Because I do.
I remember all of it. I remember the days of being afraid to leave my house, because you were always outside. I remember the rides on the bus, where I would get gum spit at me. I remember running home, hysterically crying because of the pain I endured during the day. I remember the sports teams we shared, where practice was unbearable not because of the sport itself, but because of you. I remember quitting something that I loved, because I was tired of having to be around you. I remember it following me to college, even with over one hundred miles between us.
I think that it's funny, because no one ever noticed the pain I was in. Bullying in today's society is not what they see in the movies. No one ever forced me to give them my lunch money, I was never shoved into a locker, it was never those things. It was the constant name calling, the teasing, the emotional abuse. I was never like you guys, never popular or cool enough to be your friend. I was weird, and I never understood why I just couldn't fit in and be like you guys. So you took that to your advantage, to be able to make fun of the girl that didn't fit in.
Because of all of you, I never accepted who I was. I was constantly changing everything about myself to try and fit in. Anything I could do, I did. I wore different clothes, took part in certain activities, wore my make-up a certain way. From such a young age, I started criticizing everything that I did. I started to believe that I was not good enough and that I would never fit in, because that is what you told me every single day.
These actions followed me throughout life. All of high school, I was self conscious about what I did. It was during this time that I really felt like I didn't belong because in every single group that I was involved in, I never was fully included. I always felt like I was doing something wrong to not be invited to things. I changed who I was constantly because I just wanted to fit in with you guys. There was nothing I could do to change this, so I soon retreated to my inner demons. I stopped reaching out to as many people and started to become very introverted. No one noticed, because I never let them. I wanted to fit in so much that I did not let my inner feelings and inner emotions go to the outside. I made everyone think that I was happy and excited all of the time because that's what I thought they wanted.
I myself became sick and obsessed. My constant bottling up of emotions and thoughts, was slowly eating at me on the inside. I would sit up at night reminding myself of what I had been through that day. I couldn't escape the negativity that you constantly threw at me. Eventually, the names became something that I called myself, everyday. Your thoughts about me became my own thoughts. I couldn't escape you.
I still struggle every day with accepting who I am, because I know what I have been through. I know there is somewhere in the world that I belong and the I am getting to that moment. Slowly and surely, I and kicking you out of my life. I know it is going to take some time, but this girl that seemed so weird and unusual, is finally learning to stand up for herself because she is in fact strong and unique and doesn't care quite as much if others don't believe that.
Sincerely,
The Girl You Used To Know
