My senior year of high school was one of the most difficult years of my life. I lost someone I thought would be with me forever. To be completely honest, I didn’t think I would ever be okay again, but I am. This is a letter I wish I could have read a year ago when I felt like my world was falling apart.
To myself a year ago:
Believe them.
I know it’s next to impossible not to go crazy as you listen to your mom, your aunt, and even your hairdresser share their own horror stories. You want to scream that they have no idea what they’re talking about when they say it gets better, but seriously trust me — you will be OK; no, I lied — you will be great. You will move on from this, and I promise you will smile again and it won’t be forced. In fact, you’ll be making other people laugh again the way you always did. Just wait until you meet your roommate; she laughs at everything you say, you’ll see.
It is not your fault.
People change and sometimes there’s not a damn thing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. You’ll realize soon that there are certain people that are important to your life at certain times, and that’s okay. If someone wants to leave, it doesn’t mean you failed because you let them.
It is OK to hurt.
I know it’s Friday night and you’re in those old sweatpants with a half empty pint of half-baked Ben and Jerry’s feeling sorry for yourself, but that feeling will pass. Ice cream will always be your go to, but for way more important things like stressing about your first-year finals.
You will love again.
Don’t get too excited; no, you don’t have a new boyfriend, but you do have a new love. It’s you. All of the energy spent trying to make it work, and all of the time spent being upset when it blew up in your face will be spent rebuilding yourself. In the fall, you will start the next chapter of your life. It is going to be difficult at first, but as you finally realize it’s time to carry on, something about you changes. You don’t look in the mirror every morning telling yourself to just get through the day, but to try something new, put yourself out there. You don’t spend your time thinking about all of the things wrong with you, you spend it thinking about all of the things you never thought you could have accomplished because of this--yet you did. Christina Yang very bluntly says, “He is not the sun, you are.” I promise you that the liberation you feel when you wake up that random, but perfect Sunday morning, and realize just how true that is, and it is unlike any feeling you’ve ever felt.
So for now,
Keep on doing what you’re doing. Take a deep breath, and remember that it does get better, it just takes time.
