Dear You,
Look at you. Look how far you've made it. A couple times I was worried you wouldn', but overtime I began to realize you couldn't give up- even if you wanted to. Life wouldn't be willing to give you that free pass. I know you're tired and beaten down. Life hasn't been easy for you, I know that better than anyone. But I also know that you won't feel like this forever. I can't tell you that all your scars will heal, simply because I just don't know. But I do know that even if they don't, you'll find a way to be okay.
I know you're at a part of your life now where you feel stuck. You are haunted by this feeling of restlessness, that you're wasting your life. Stay where you are for now, this too shall pass. Keep doing what you're doing, but remember to do it with every ounce of your being. Take what you have and make it beautiful, it's what you do best. You'll graduate college with that degree, and you'll move to where you want to start your life. The way you want it to be.
You'll go somewhere where it rains a lot, and the air stays cool, because that's where you feel the most calm. You'll go where the sunsets leave you breathless because you're obsessed with the sky. You'll start off in one of those small apartments with the white walls that you dream of, and eventually you'll buy that house with the big red door you've wanted since you were a little girl. You'll have that old maroon truck you've been searching for, and you'll drive it the job that doesn't even feel like one. You'll be doing what you love and you won't have to settle for anything less. You'll finally write those books you don't have time to write now, and you'll continue to always pour your heart out on paper whether you find a way to get paid for it or not. It won't matter to you whether you make the most money, or drive the best car because you can say you'll be the happiest you've ever been. Nothing else will matter.
One day you'll wake up and actually love yourself. You won't turn away in disgust when you look into a mirror, you'll be happy with what God created. You won't have regrets that eat you alive. You won't wish you did everything different or wish you had a different life. You'll become content with the hand of cards you were dealt because you'll know you played them the best you possibly could. You'll fall down many more times, but I know you'll dust off the dirt and keep walking. Just don't forget you aren't walking alone. God will always be right there with open arms. Talk to him every day and thank him for the strength he's given you. Remember what living through all of this has done for you, remember who you became. You are so strong, and I believe you could overcome anything that comes your way.
One day you'll wake up and not have to feel alone. You'll roll over In bed and be beside the man you've been praying to God for. He will love you with all that he has, and wouldn't even dream of leaving your side. You'll have the love the church talks about, like the love that Jesus had for his church. And you'll have that wedding you've already started to plan out. You'll be surrounded by the people who adore you and he will cry when he sees you walking down that isle towards the rest of your life together. And then you'll create the family you've always wanted to be apart of. You'll be the mom you've begged for, and you'll treat your children like you should have been treated. Because that's the way life is supposed to be.
I am sorry. I know how long you've wanted someone to say that. I'm sorry that this all happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it. Your mom didn't die because you weren't a good enough daughter. Your dad didn't walk out of your life because you didn't deserve to be loved. Your family didn't turn their backs on you because you screwed up your life. You didn't. One day you're going to look up in the sky and remember what you feel right now. And you'll cry tears of relief, and smile because you actually made it. We both knew you would. Remember you are dearly loved by many. I hope to see you soon.
Sincerely,
Yourself
