Dear Mom,
You did not watch me grow up. You did not go to any of my softball games. You were not there to coach me through getting my first job. I don't even know what you look like. I have seen your name once or twice on my birth certificate, but at the moment I cannot even recall what it is. You are as much of a mother to me as the lady who served my lunch today, but with one exception. My waitress at the least had something to give me.
I had to watch youtube videos to learn how to do my make-up, which was not pleasant at all. I was awful at color matching. Middle school saw the age of the real life Oompa-Loompa. Getting older only presented further complications. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to find a good youtube video of how to use a tampon? Spoiler alert: very. It was scary being a young woman and not really having a strong grasp on something so definitively out of my control.
My first kiss was uneventful. My first boyfriend was inconsequential. My first break-up was horrendous. Through it all, both my triumphs and failures have made me who I am. I hold my tears and the laughs I have had at an equal value. My goals and my dreams are one and the same, and I believe that I can I can achieve it all. But you wouldn’t know that, would you? Only recently it hit me just how many life events you have missed and how many more that you will continue to miss.
One day I will graduate from college, and you will not be there to give me a hug or a handshake. When I get married, I will plan without you. I will walk down the aisle surrounded by lovely and beautiful people that do not and will not ever include you. Maybe you saw my first breath, or even my first smile, but you will not see your grandchildren’s. I wonder, sometimes, if that bothers you. I wonder if a woman capable of choosing her pride over her own child is able to feel remorse. Are you as cold as the woman I have pictured in my mind?
You left a child vulnerable to the ways of the world, and I have the scars to prove how dangerous taking on the world alone can be. I failed. I cried. I fell down, and I picked myself up and wiped the tears away on my own, and for this reason I must thank you. I am insurmountably stronger than I ever could have been in your care. You might have left a child to the world, but I was forced to grow up and view it from the eyes of a broken woman just as you once had. You might have fled, but I have not. I conquered the fear that you allowed to capture your soul, and I gave that fear a purpose. I will not, and I will never run from a challenge.
You missed out on many moments, and you missed out on getting to know a pretty cool human being. And that’s okay. I think one day you will look back and wish you had done more to be included in my life. Life is lonely, and so is the pride you chose over me.
Sincerely,
A Stranger
