You knew the statistics. You knew the risks of taking those drugs but you acted so selfish and immature.

I guess having kids and pets that relied on you didn't hold enough value to keep the drugs out of your system. Your drug use was apparent because you took me with you to pick them up. What even compelled you to take your tween daughter with you to buy pills from a guy who lives in a trashy neighborhood? What really set off the addiction for you? I'm sure the chronic pain was bearable, the relationship issues were only minuscule, and you being an inactive vagrant was curable.

You didn't try hard enough. You could've been a better parent. I don't think my younger siblings understand like I do. They know the concept but they don't know that the reason you sleep all day is because the heroin makes you sleep or that you never have the energy because the drug is slowly deteriorating your body. The thing that affected me most was the nodding out.

Do you remember, mom?

All the times in court or the time we drove home from the shelter?

Do you, mother?

Because I do. I remember asking you if you wanted me to drive instead of you napping in a fast food parking lot. I also remember when I had my court date and you claimed you just hadn't slept and all I could think was that you always sleep. You embarrassed me. All the times we sat in a parking lot so you could buy drugs, all the times you told me to sit in the car as if that would cloud my knowledge of your actions, and even all the times you slurred your words.

Mother, I wanted you to pick me over drugs. I wanted you to tell me that you would quit instead of making an excuse. Oh, all the times I heard "I will get sick. You don't understand." You're right, I didn't understand. There were months at a time that I couldn't even follow you to Walmart for anything because you had to stop. "Don't tell anyone." You always seemed to have some lie for me to tell but I was too embarrassed to even speak of it.

When you chose drugs over me, mom, you destroyed my hope for the world. I needed you to be the parent that had her life in order. I needed a parent that fed me and didn't make me cook dinner. I needed a mother.

So mom, when you chose those heroin-based monsters over me you became the most selfish and worthless person I had ever encountered. When I see you now and how sick and deteriorated you look I just want to hug you because I wish you loved yourself more. I hope that when you are in the middle of completing the parenting of the other children you realize that your life is worth more than a temporary high.

Please don't choose drugs over them too, because they still have a small ounce of hope for the world. Be the mother they always wanted you to be.