Sometimes I find myself missing you all when I'm home alone on a Friday night with nothing to do, or when I see something that reminds me of the holidays, birthdays, and jokes we shared. My favorite memories are when I'd come over late at night until curfew and we'd laugh together for hours, playing stupid games and even having "fight night" every Monday.
I guess it's best that we just coexist now though because I now realize it's not normal to come home from being with your friends to cry into your pillow. I still find it hard to understand why none of you wanted to see me happy, and I don't understand the reason for all of the jealousy and resentment.
That's not to say that I wasn't wrong sometimes though, friendships shouldn't end over other relationships. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault, but you can only do so much to make people happy that hate to see you happy.
Things started changing and you all knew why you all knew what you were doing. I couldn't help what was happening, then I finally got up the courage to walk the other way. It was harder for me than it was for you guys, you said a million times that you wouldn't care and you didn't. I didn't get a birthday wish this year and when I was happy about something, I was only resented further.
So here we are.
We see each other every day and it's like I never helped you when you were sad at 3 A.M, and my efforts to rekindle are harshly pushed away. We have each other's secrets and memories, but nothing else. I care. I always have, despite the lies you've spread and created yourselves.
High school is almost over; we're in the homestretch now and all I want is normality. I've tried long enough to make things like they were. I saw that my face was simply glued and pasted over. In high school, word can travel fast.
I'm just done trying to confront it. You were my best friends; the people I defended, the people I spent my favorite moments with, the people I treasured more than anything and never meant to hurt. The apologies have never been enough, and I know what would be, but I refuse to give up my happiness for people who ultimately want to see me at my lowest.
The tough thing is that I want happiness for every single one of you, even when most of you don't want the same for me.
I'm happy that you're going to a Big 10 school like you've always dreamed of, and I'm not there anymore to take you for ice cream and talk about that but that's okay. I hope someone is doing a good job of taking my place as your best friend.
Even though you despise me the most, I'm happy that you're going to college after you always said that you weren't smart enough. I'm sorry again for everything, as many times as I've said it.
I'm happy that you two are working things out, I know that relationships can be complicated and people make mistakes. Also, you're not my mom's favorite anymore.
Seeing you and giving you a hug last week felt refreshing, you've always been a big brother and role model to me. I miss you and I respect you the most, thank you for defending me when I wasn't there.
I'm happy that I'll see you around campus next year because you're the one that will talk to me occasionally still and doesn't take part in the drama. Even though you hated me for a while too, thank you.
Sincerely, an ex-friend finding closure.