This article has been a long time coming but I have found that every time I start to write it, I chicken out. I can never seem to find the right words or I either get too angry or hurt that I know the piece that I am writing in that state isn't a truly accurate portrayal of how I feel. I decided that this time around I would get other people's stories. I always thought I was alone in how I felt not only in my chapter but about my chapter--but I figured out through this article and the survey I did that I am not.

I think that is what is making the writing of this open letter a bit easier to stomach or at least type up. That's why I also considered the format I did--I was so afraid that I would be even more ostracized (or at least that's how it feels) from my chapter. And I always understood that I would never be friends with everyone in my chapter but I always thought I would have other women to go to in both times of need and times of stress and/or pain.

And I won't deny that when I went through one of the hardest times of my life whilst in college but to me, it felt like it stopped there--that once that point in my life was done, it ended too. I know that sounds superficial because it seemingly means less attention but it was like after those first initial weeks into the sorority, initiation, and that time... everyone just kind of stopped caring. They were onto the next class of members to be "totally obsessed with" and while that is fine since each new class is the future of the overall chapter it doesn't mean others should be neglected.

I asked in my survey if the women who had taken (I received 46 responses) about 72% of them said they had felt excluded, lost, or alone in their chapter and 47% said they had felt like dropping because of it. I, like this other 47 % of women, had felt exactly the same way. And I know that there are many others who feel exactly how I have--whether they have just felt like dropping once or have dropped because of it. But there are just as many other women who while yes have felt excluded have never wanted to drop, many saying that "the feeling would pass" or "waiting it out more" would relieve the problems.

I wish I had that mindset still. I am have come to a standstill--the thinking of dropping so constantly on my mind that it has forced me recently to take huge stepbacks from my sisterhood. And I will give my sorority this--that it isn't a national thing where I hate the national chapter because I don't. I love Delta Zeta and what it stands for, believes in, and strives to do for the betterment of the world as I am sure that many others feel about their own chapters.

It is more about the chapters specifically--feeling like how many others describe a rather cliquey environment, not having many people to sit or talk with, or no matter how hard you tried to reach out of your comfort zone or to others it never seemed to be enough or that no one cared. And while I understand not every sorority of every chapter is not made equal and every chapter is not founded the same but some things are just pretty damn universal. And this is definitely one of them.

You begin to feel not good enough, or hurt, or betrayed because all that was promised (and that you start promising) during recruitment isn't 100% there. And I know, I know not every person in the sorority will ever feel like this which is great, because it is exactly in my opinion how you shouldn't feel. But for those who do... I want you to know you are not alone in this. And while it might feel like it will pass or that it never will but you never know.

But just because it may or may not pass depending on who you become friends with, or what events you go to, etc. please don't push your feelings to the side or disregard them. Don't do this because you are afraid of how your chapter will react. I did the same thing and here I am unsure of how to talk about it, unsure of what to do next, or even how truthful you can get even with the few people you are close with.

But just know no matter what you do, you need to do what is best for you--whether it is staying because it is your last year, the feeling has passed, or it is what will make you happy or to take a step back, to drop, or to go into early alumni status. Do what will make you happy and no one else since it is your life. If your sisterhood and the friends you made from it are real, they'll understand and still be there for you because I mean it isn't just "for four years, it's for life".