Dear "friends,"

I've had a lot of you over the years. We've had some good times. When asked to form a list of your friends, though, you probably won't think to include me; if or when I'm brought up, you'll name a few nice things about me, shrug your shoulders, and say, "yeah, she's cool." But we all know we weren't ever really friends.

You see, I know that I'm the floater friend. I'm that person who talks to people in settings where we are both required to be, like class or work, but is never asked to do much outside of that. I am nice enough to make conversation with, and sometimes even make plans with, but they never really pan out on more than a few occasions. I am a great "mutual" on the internet (someone who follows you on social media, likes and comments on your pictures and life events and has similar interests to you), but in real life, I'm pretty awkward and a natural loner. I'm really bad in groups. I'm here and there, joining in on activities with different sets of people but never staying long. To me, it seems like everyone has their group, everyone has their people, except for me. I've never really belonged anywhere. Sure, there were childhood best friends and a big group in the eighth grade that I was relatively close with (didn't everyone have that in eighth grade?), but out of everyone, I have always been one of the most replaceable. When these groups inevitably faded and grew apart, no one took me with them.

See, this made my life pretty miserable sometimes. I'm a pretty sensitive person, and being a floater friend doesn't really mix with that. I'm okay with being alone a lot, but I'm not a complete introvert. I crave human interaction and I crave the feeling of being wanted and accepted. None of you have ever given me that. I can't tell you how many times my sensitive self has cried herself to sleep because my so-called "friends" made plans without me or didn't feature me in their sappy photo collages about their best friends or I came back to school after a weekend and heard about all the fun that was had without me. High school was a mess. I acted as though being alone all the time simply gave me more time to pursue my personal interests (poetry and classic film wasn't super popular with my peers), but deep down, I always wished that I was invited to parties or bonfires or get-togethers every once in a while. I did get lucky with a few single best friends in this time, and if you're reading this, know that it isn't about you. I don't know what I would have done without you. However, us growing apart only made matters worse.

I always promised myself that once I got to college, everything would change. I wrote about it pretty regularly. I had such high hopes for the future.

I wouldn't be around most of you anymore, and on a campus with 20,000 students, I was bound to find my people. And I did, for a while. It was the happiest time of my life. But here I am, writing this, because none of the smaller groups that formed once everyone moved off campus included me. Outside of the occasional "let's get everyone together!" I don't see most of them. I do nothing with my classmates outside of just that: class. While I know that my current friends still love me, there is still a part of me that feels forgotten and out of place on a day-to-day basis.

Am I destined to be a floater friend? Is my lack of deep friendship and belonging a fault of mine or a fault of my surroundings? Am I going to spend my entire life hanging out with people once or twice and then being completely detached? Am I ever going to belong? I don't want to be alone anymore.

Hope life is going well,

A "friend."