If you are one of the unlucky people who lives with anxiety, the feeling is all too familiar. You feel constantly inadequate, unimportant and irrelevant. You operate from an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality. You don’t trust people easily and you are very selective of whom you let get close to you. You loathe yourself, so it is near impossible to believe someone enjoys your presence. You live in constant fear that the people around you merely tolerate you. You overthink everything. You drown in your thoughts and feel like you lose your ability to breathe. You stress about stress before you even know that there is stress to stress about. Tomorrow is a challenge and yesterday is a failure in your mind. You cannot sleep without running through your day and thinking of countless ways you could have made it better. Nothing is ever good enough to you.

Dear Friend,

Yes, I am the difficult one in the friend group. But this however, is not my fault. My anxiety does not come with a switch; I can’t turn it off when I want to. What I want you to understand is that when I have an attack, I am not myself. I transform completely. Often my anxiety is prompted by the way I am treated. Not to say that I am treated poorly, but what you don’t understand is that people who are plagued with anxiety require a little more attention and a lot more reassurance. It’s never enough to just say “I am your friend." Those of us living with anxiety do not trust easily. We don’t open up to just anyone. To us, that is merely four words with no meaning. We expect to be shown what our friendship is, not told. The phrase “actions speak louder than words” is a motto for me. You have to learn to deal with attacks and be able to physically stay present for someone through their rough patches.

I am often looked at as rude or abrasive when I have an attack. Talking about my problems is a sure sign that I trust you; relish in the fact that I feel comfortable enough to make myself emotionally vulnerable and speak my mind. If I feel wronged by you, I will confront that issue. That doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn’t mean that I am going to feel that way forever. But, telling me that my problems aren’t real, that I’m mad for no reason and that these are problems that I have to deal with, adds to the problem and only make things worse on me. You have to learn to be understanding during these situations and relinquish your pride. What I have to say matters, and as a friend, the best possible thing you can do for me when I am overcome with anxiety is to listen to me, and treat me with dignity. Too often do I look down on myself. I don’t need others to do it as well.

Something else that I want you to understand is that every anxiety attack is different. Sometimes there are personality traits that change. I become irritated and angry. Sometimes I become fragile and sad. Sometimes I become numb to everything. There are physical effects too. Sometimes I can’t breathe and I will shake uncontrollably. Sometimes I cry or become nauseated. Sometimes I lose my appetite. My heart will race so fast it becomes painful. You may see a change in how I act toward you. There are times when I will be malicious, petty and act out of character. Then there are times when I will become clingy, jealous and will not be able to function on my own. Then there will be times where I distance myself. Maybe I will remove myself from a group message until I can get myself together. Or other times I may ignore you when I walk past you. All attacks will be different and it is important to know that so you’re not taken aback by my behavior.

There are things you can do to help me in these trying situations. First and foremost, do not ignore me. Anxiety leads me to believe that if I am being ignored, then you don’t care. Pay more attention to me. I don’t mean swarm me with gifts and unnecessary security, but check on me. It's important with any person having an anxiety attack that you not leave them alone. Have a conversation with me, invite me to eat lunch or go for a walk. Sometimes all I need is for someone to be in the same room as me to calm me down. Loneliness is a big trigger for people with anxiety. Be more cautious in the way you speak or act around me. I can take a joke, but if one of my insecurities becomes a punchline, then it is more often than not going to result in a tidal wave of negative emotions. Anxiety leads to depression and depression is a lot harder to handle because it lasts longer. Do what you can to not let my shower of self-hatred last longer than it needs. Do not let conflict go unsettled. I won’t sleep until I feel my arguments or fights are a thing of the past and the conflict is resolved. Also, do not bring up past anxiety attacks. My anxiety is an insecurity and I don’t like to think of times in the past where I have experienced a flood of anxiety. Above all else, learn how I deal with stress and don’t try to deal with my anxiety the way you would. I don’t like to be told I am handling things the wrong way. There is no right or wrong way to attend to anxiety. This is where I ask you to see things my way. This is my struggle, not yours.

In summary, here is how to deal with me. Show me you care, don’t tell me. Please don’t assume I am just being rude when I speak my mind. Allow me to be right, sometimes. Understand that no anxiety attack will be the same. Don’t ignore me; give me reassurance. Never let me be alone during an anxiety attack. I understand that being a friend to someone who struggles with anxiety is difficult. I sincerely apologize that I carry that burden. I promise your friendship means more to me than anything else in the world and sometimes I just like to be reassured that I mean as much to you. I thank you for keeping me around through my triumphs and my tribulations, through my smiles and my sadness and through my good, my bad and my ugly.

Sincerely,

Your Friend With Anxiety