Many times I have told myself that it doesn't concern me, it's "none of my business," it's your life - not mine. I have seen you happy at times, immersed in what you believe to be a forever love. In those moments of complete exhilaration, i am thrilled to see you glow. But my thrill is shortly lived. I wish I could share in your jubilation and be happy for you, yet for some reason I see something you don't. I see toxicity.
A toxic relationship is something no one will ever tell you to be on the lookout for until you find yourself in one. At that point, everybody around can see it but you. In school they teach you safe sex, leaglity of marriage, and how to spot a physically abusive partner. However, they fail to teach us how other humans can abuse our minds and abuse our hearts - especially the people who are supposed to love us the most.
Now I don't want to be "that friend" who can never be in the same place as your boyfriend, "that friend" who you have to make sure sits at a separate table at your wedding party to avoid conflict, but it is really difficult to see you two together. I hate that you can't see what I see because when you're happy the hurt seems totally worth it. Yet when you feel broken or insulted I can't help but wonder what kind of love could be worth all those tears you've cried on my shoulder.
Maybe I'm thinking rashly. Maybe I only know half the story because you only feel the need to turn to me in times of trouble rather than in times of joy also. However, I do not think there is any excuse for the names he's called you and the things he's said about you. "Bitch" or "whore" are terms that you should never allow anyone to degrade you to. I don't care if he has trouble getting along with his parents or he had a rough childhood. There is no excuse for treating another human being like trash. I've seen you curse at a man on the streetcorner who jeered at you when we passed on the way to the mall. You don't tolerate such treatment from a stranger, so why are you so quick to accept it from those closer ones?
He blames you when plans fall through and everytime we hang out, he accuses me of being "that friend" who is eventually going to stab you in the back. He tries to convince you to not go out by guilting you with the past. We laugh about his banter at the restaurant across the street but when getting down to the nitty-gritty, this jealousy is the loudest sign of a toxic relationship. I never understood why so many people believe jealousy is "cute" or a sign of affection. To me, there needs to be a certain level or trust in a relationship. Being jealous is just as good as saying "i don't trust you."
Love is tricky because there are so many forms of it. The love I have for you is different than the love your boyfriend has for you. So when he sees me as competition, I can't help but put up a red flag in the back of my mind. I will never be able to replace him and honestly that would never be a desire of mine. But i do love you and I want what is best for you. So this is all I will say:
Decisions become a lot easier when you realize what you can change. In life, almost everything is out of your contol. You cannot control how he treats you. You cannot control why he is the way he is or who has hurt him in the past. All you can control is how you respond to the situtation. You deserve the purest form of love and affection, not because you are a good person (even though you are amazing) but because you are human. Although I have wished so many times that you would walk away, I need to realize that I can't control your decision. If you do decide to stay, I will continue to pray that things change. If they don't, I will be here when you fall. Because that's what best friends are for.
I love you.
