This letter is for a certain person who I’m not really sure understands. I hope that after taking a look at this, you will see my point of view with a little more clarity.

Dear You,

Now I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never really been good at communicating, especially in terms of conflict. You’re right, there are a lot of things I don’t say in fear of hurting another’s feelings. I always opt out of taking that risk because I become too concerned of how someone will react. I get nervous that stating how I really feel or what I actually want, because I feel like it will change everything for the worse. Like you’ve said, I am in fact a worry-wort and I may not ever really give you a piece of my mind like I want to and hopefully that’s something you understand.

I will be completely transparent and say I don’t like to dwell on something that affects me negatively. If I’m ever hurt or upset about something, there’s a chance you won’t even know it because I can hide my emotions better than you think. I don’t like to be vulnerable and if I’m being truthful, it’s not something I enjoy, because I feel as though it’s useless. Why should you sit here and think about whatever it is that’s making you upset when you can just move on and find a silver lining?

What I’ve learned this past week is that it’s okay to look for those glimpses of hope, but in doing that don’t forget to actually deal with whatever emotions you’re experiencing. In our society today, there’s a lot of built up emotions that people just don’t deal with. I’m guilty of this just as any other, but by not actually dealing with these emotions, we allow ourselves to keep hiding things. When you’re hiding things, it becomes a lot harder for one to communicate with you, but I also understand it’s scary to be open. One of my biggest fears is just that, being vulnerable.

In my mind, having emotions that others know about makes me vulnerable. I like to be seen as strong and independent, not someone who feels things and takes things to heart. That’s one of my biggest character flaws. So yes, I may seem like I don’t care, but in reality I care a lot, sometimes too much depending on the situation. I try going with the flow and just taking it day by day, but when the lines get blurred how am I supposed to know how I should act?

Personally, if I am ever in a situation where I have no idea what’s going on, I’m going to remain neutral and keep my distance. I do not want to do anything that would cause you to react negatively. Unfortunately, with this method, I find that I often take three steps forward and ten steps back. That is not my intention at all when solving an issue, but this is where communication comes in. It’s a two way street and it doesn’t help if neither one is willing to reach out first. It is absolutely dumb if you ask me to have this standoff waiting for the other to reach out. By doing that we’ve already wasted so much time where we could’ve been moving forward. I think the worst part of it for me is that after waiting all of this time, you never reached out, which begs the question- do you care at all?

The point is, I don’t think you truly understand why I react the way I do. Because I put so much more emphasis on others' feelings, it makes it harder for me to reach out first. My thought process is that it’s better to wait for you to reach out because I don’t want to be a bother or feel like I’m suffocating you. I’ve been in those kinds of situations where someone is just so suffocating that I can’t even think. And because of that, I’ll never be that type of person. I won’t be constantly checking in on how life is every five seconds because I believe that one needs to be stronger on their own first.

Think of it like the organs of a human body. Each organ within an organ system needs to have their own independence to allow their system to completely function effectively. In order for the human body to complete vital processes, there needs to be communication between the organ systems. If it isn’t clear, parts of the body probably won’t function as successfully. Not to get all medical there, but what I’m saying is communication doesn’t come easily to everyone, especially people who get anxious or worry.

I can’t read your mind. I don’t know what it is you need from me as a support system, a human being, or maybe nothing at all anymore. You don’t have to be a forward person all the time, but a result has to come because one can only avoid a conflict for so long. Like I said earlier, if you don’t deal with it, it’s only going to come back to bite you in the ass later.

Now to whoever is reading this letter, I hope you learn from my mistakes and communicate with everyone, whether it be your family, friends, boss, lover, or even your professors, just communicate and don’t waste any time. The longer you wait, the harder it is.

I guess that’s all I’ve got for now, but remember, we’re all just trying to find our way in this mixed up world we live in. Don’t make assumptions on how others feel or perceive things because you could be very wrong in the end.

XOXO

McK