Dear... well... you know who you are.
Let me start with saying that the intent of this letter is not to shame you. I just have things that I need to say and I know that if I say them directly to you it will only end in yelling and arguments as all of our interactions have of late. So here it goes.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss chilling at your house after rehearsal. Watching the expressions on the Chiefs of Staff's faces during the State of the Union and bursting out into uncontrollable laughter. I miss going out for burgers and then coming back and watching Star Wars because one or both of us didn't want to study for our test the next day. I miss our inside jokes and the funny looks we would give each other across the field.
You were my best friend. You were the first person I got to know when I moved 2000 miles away from home and somehow you decided to stick with me. I was there for you when you were having a bad break up and you were there for me as I sat on your couch in tears, waiting for the results of my biopsy, afraid I was dying. We were there for each other through the bad, but also through the good. We celebrated with each other when we got accepted to internships or even just when we were in a good mood.
I loved you. That isn't to say I was in love with you. There was a time I thought I was. You had a new girlfriend and I was insanely jealous. I felt hurt and that was the only reason I could think of for it. We would joke about how we could never be a couple and it stabbed an enormous knife into my heart every time. I later realized that I was just jealous of sharing your time and attention and I got over it. There were times I thought you were in love with me too. But you weren't, or at least you never expressed it. So no, I wasn't in love with you. But I loved you. You were like a brother, but not quite. I knew that I could rely on you for anything and I thought you felt the same. I trusted you and I guess I have to keep trusting you now because you know everything that I didn't want anyone to know but needed to tell someone. I have to have faith that you won't betray that trust now.
It wasn't all good. I thought it was, but looking back, I was fooling myself. I was too afraid of ruining what we had to address what was wrong. If I'd mention any desire to do work that wasn't strictly climbing the ladder of education, status, and power, you would scoff and ask why anyone would ever want to do that. You supported people who wanted to take away my rights based on who I was and I never said anything because I wanted to respect your opinions, even if others who held those opinions didn't respect me. Time and time again, you would say or do things that made me feel undervalued and unworthy and I stayed silent.
It wasn't all your fault. I fucked up too, I admit that. I tried apologizing, but you never believed me when I did. You said it was insincere and I am truly sorry if that's how it came across, but I don't know any other way to apologize. I would try again here, but there's no point in wasting my energy to apologize to an empty auditorium.
So I guess that's it. After our last conversation, I don't think there's any going back. We're both too hurt and too stubborn. Too much has been said. It hurt for a while, and it still does sometimes, but I think it was well overdue. So goodbye. I miss you. But good riddance.
Sincerely,
Your Ex-Best Friend
