You’re boy crazy. You always have been, and no one really understands that about you. The first sentence of your middle school diary is, “Max? Kevin? Joey? Who will I choose to love?” as if you had to be with someone. You’re in love with your independence, but you like to be independent with someone. Some have said you’re desperate, in need of affection and attention, in need of someone to love you because you don’t love yourself. Do you love yourself?
Do you like yourself?
You had those middle school relationships that “didn’t really mean anything” but we both know, to you, they meant everything. Those two boys gave you your first kiss, your first heartbreak(s). They taught you what kind of person you want in your life and, shockingly, it wasn’t either of them. The third one stuck, though, and you never figured out why you asked for his number in the first place. You had just gotten over a whole to-do with some other guy, your first non-relationship relationship. You didn’t even like Mr. Third, and still you couldn’t be alone for too long. Being totally by yourself scares you. I would know.
Every guy was only a few months apart, and those months were hard. Your friends weren’t enough to keep you company because they couldn’t offer you the validation you always need(ed). Besides, they were only sophomores like you, they were too busy searching for themselves.
You’ve never searched for yourself by yourself. You look for yourself in another’s eyes because they can see what you will never see of yourself. That way you know you’re loved, you know that someone thinks you’re beautiful and worth it. He thinks you’re worth it.
Here you are, a month away from eighteen and hanging on to Mr. Fourth. You know yourself now. You know that you love him with real love and an open heart and confidence and compassion and composure and
You don’t need him.
But you want him. You want him in your life because he makes you really happy. You feel like you’ve finally opened up and become 110% yourself, whatever that means. He gets you and wants to have longer to get you and be himself with you and tell you everything and hold back nothing. He’s your best friend. And it’s terrible timing.
You know you have to go in alone. You can’t go and start over in a new place if you’re still tied to the old one. You love him, but it’s not enough to make you stay because I know you’ll love your freedom more. The worst day of your life will be leaving him behind, I can guarantee that. But you need this. You’ve grown into a person you can be proud of and you did that while caring for someone else for the past five years. Now you need to grow on your own and be crazy about yourself.
