I had the habit of picking the worst guys to date or be interested in. I always blamed the guy for his bad attitude and for the relationship not working out. Don't get me wrong most of my relationships ended, because of the bad things they would do, but something dawned on me. I was getting mad at them just for not being the right person for me.

I always thought that I wanted a guy who was quiet, because I thought that I was too loud. I wanted someone who did not like to go out, because I thought I was getting too wild, I thought I needed to be tamed. I thought I wanted someone who did not speak to me all the time, because he would be too clingy. I thought I was too independent to hear that they needed me. I thought I was too tough to get attached and I couldn't get hurt if I acted like I didn't care.

The problem is I cared, I cared way too much. These guys thought that since I acted like I didn't care that they could hurt me and it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I act like I am just some breezy fun time, but they are the only ones that get an easy goodbye. I thought my anger was something to be scared of so I learned to keep my mouth shut. If there was something wrong I held it in and told them they were right. I didn't want to be the crazy girlfriend, I didn't want them to think I was too much. I learned how to hold back and keep my mouth shut, I learned how to not show too many feelings, I thought I was protecting myself.

The problem is that I am loud and have one of the biggest personalities you will ever see. I am not some easy breezy cool chick, I am way too much to be that. When I get angry I spit fire and could probably destroy a whole town. When I get sad I could cry a river, that no bridge could help me get over. When I am happy and laughing it could fill up a room it pours out of every inch of my body and sometimes causes me to snort. I experience every emotion to the max and I am completely not sorry about it, if I am too strong for some people that is their problem. I am not going to shame myself for feeling, for getting upset. My universe isn't always perfect and I refuse to act like it is anymore.

So I apologize to the boys I have dated if I ever acted weird, I wasn't being myself and I am sorry you never got to see who I am. She is the most kick butt girl in the entire world. She is smart, funny, loyal, hardworking and so much more. It is completely your loss, but thank you for no longer being with me, so I can finally grow. Starting right now I am unapologetically me.