An Open Letter To The Boy Who Taught Me My Worth

An Open Letter To The Boy Who Taught Me My Worth

Thank You.
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Dear You,

You tell everyone I broke up with you for no reason, but after 3 years I had to explain to you that I was depressed and entirely unhappy with myself and could not be the person you needed in a relationship and this killed me because I loved you with every inch of me but I did not love myself. I never wanted to hurt you but you deserved so much more than a depressed, self-loathing teenager. But you only saw "we're done".

We still saw each other afterward to try and keep each other in our lives, but then things changed.

Your hurt feelings turned to anger, rage, revenge, and spitefulness. And my already broken-self shattered into pieces.

First came the angry texts full of malicious disgusting words ranging from "f*** you"s to "I know where you are, watch out."

Then came the showing up to my friend's place of work to have a "talk" and then my friend's house to "find" me.

Then came the conveniently running into you every single place I went and me being scared to leave my house because I didn't know what you wanted or what you were going to do.

I had no idea who you were, the guy I loved was gone and engulfed in a sea of rage.

Believe me, I am to blame for hurtful words I've said in response when I finally reached my limit, but I had no choice but to cut you out of my life entirely for a while to be away from the hurtful words and actions.

Then I let you back in...

"I only see you as an easy hook up now. You don't think I still love you do you?" "You're disgusting" "Why would I ever want to date someone like you?" showed up on my phone and crushed me.

You spent most of your time making sure to hurt me more than I could ever hurt you in between trying to show me how much you still care and loved me.

And now I can say you've achieved your goal.

I let you back in again and thought this one was going to be good. We both grew up, we could laugh, talk about anything, no fights, and then came the "I love you"s. Things seemed amazing again. The guy I loved was back and better than before.

Until, you got mad again. Then came the vindictive words and the yelling and the hate. The social media posts because you couldn't apologize and admit that you hurt the woman you "love" and want to "grow old with" like a man. Instead, you searched for reassurance and approval of being a coward through your friends.

It was nothing but blatant disrespect and immaturity and verbal abuse even after months of being apart. I finally broke entirely.

It was a mind game. The guy I had loved for the past almost 4 years of my life has sufficiently hurt me more than any other person I have encountered through all 18 years of my life. I had no idea who he was or where he went and it messed with my head.

But no matter what, I will always love him even when I know I shouldn't.

One day I would get "I love you Erin, I need you in my life" then the next "You're actually f****in insane you need help, I don't want you." Never has anyone said the things you have said to me or ruined me like you have.

And the saddest part is no one knows what you have done. Not your family, friends, no one. Because I still believe you are a good person but it is not fair for me to be made into a monster when you have been the malicious one.

But I have learned from you.

I cannot keep giving someone chances and control and power simply because of love. Because I've learned, sometimes love isn't enough but I've learned that I am.

I am enough.

The verbal and emotional abuse and your need to control me ended when I ended us.

You cannot tell me how to dress, where to go, who to see, what music to listen to, how to talk, or anything anymore. I am not your toy that you can call to whenever you want or need something. I am my own person

So now, I'm a strong, intelligent, respectful, driven, caring woman and you cannot take that away from me.

But thank you, sincerely, for teaching me I am so much better than the girl I used to be. Simply because I am my own person now.

The years we spent together were entirely amazing until the end and maybe that's when we became the people we truly are, but I'm happy I now know the real you. I wish you the best and I'll love you always but thank you for showing me what I'm worth.

Sincerely,

The girl who got away

Cover Image Credit: http://www.hercampus.com/love/relationships/how-finally-end-your-againoff-again-relationship

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To The Girl Struggling With Her Body Image

It's not about the size of your jeans, but the size of your heart, soul, and spirit.

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To the girl struggling with her body image,

You are more than the number on the scale. You are more than the number on your jeans and dresses. You are way more than the number of pounds you've gained or lost in whatever amount of time.

Weight is defined as the quantity of matter contained by a body or object. Weight does not define your self-worth, ambition or potential.

So many girls strive for validation through the various numbers associated with body image and it's really so sad seeing such beautiful, incredible women become discouraged over a few numbers that don't measure anything of true significance.

Yes, it is important to live a healthy lifestyle. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself. However, taking care of yourself includes your mental health as well. Neglecting either your mental or physical health will inflict problems on the other. It's very easy to get caught up in the idea that you're too heavy or too thin, which results in you possibly mistreating your body in some way.

Your body is your special, beautiful temple. It harbors all of your thoughts, feelings, characteristics, and ideas. Without it, you wouldn't be you. If you so wish to change it in a healthy way, then, by all means, go ahead. With that being said, don't make changes to impress or please someone else. You are the only person who is in charge of your body. No one else has the right to tell you whether or not your body is good enough. If you don't satisfy their standards, then you don't need that sort of negative influence in your life. That sort of manipulation and control is extremely unhealthy in its own regard.

Do not hold back on things you love or want to do because of how you interpret your body. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are more than your exterior. You are your inner being, your spirit. A smile and confidence are the most beautiful things you can wear.

It's not about the size of your jeans. It's about the size of your mind and heart. Embrace your body, observe and adore every curve, bone and stretch mark. Wear what makes you feel happy and comfortable in your own skin. Do your hair and makeup (or don't do either) to your heart's desire. Wear the crop top you've been eyeing up in that store window. Want a bikini body? Put a bikini on your body, simple.

So, as hard as it may seem sometimes, understand that the number on the scale doesn't measure the amount or significance of your contributions to this world. Just because that dress doesn't fit you like you had hoped doesn't mean that you're any less of a person.

Love your body, and your body will love you right back.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Margliotti

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If You THINK You're Too Dependent On Your Boyfriend, You Probably Are

Depend on yourself before you depend on him.

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Don't get me wrong, having a boyfriend and being in love is an incredible feeling. But when you depend on your boyfriend for everything and forget how to do things on your own, it becomes a major problem. You might not see it but your family and friends do. Yes he's your boyfriend and of course, you want to spend every single second with him but you can't carry him around in the back of your pocket for the rest of your life. So here's to the girls who are too dependent on your boyfriends, I think you girls might want to hear this.

First and foremost, I completely understand what it's like to be in love and want to spend every second with your boyfriend. I get that he is one of your best friends, one of the people you can trust the most, one of the sources of your happiness, one of your stress relievers, one of the things that brings you comfort, one of the people you can rant to for anything, one of the people that you can cry to about anything, one of the people that you want to make memories with, one of the people that you want to spend the rest of your life with and so much more.

Did you notice I said one of, for all that? He is just one of the people you can go to for all of that, not the only one. You have friends and family who can do all of that too. And trust me, we want to. While yes you might prefer him to those other people, it's still important to keep your friends and family in the loop of what's going on in your life and it's even more important just to keep them in your life.

When you choose your boyfriend over your friends and family for everything, you're slowly pushing them out of your life. I, and everyone else who's been where I have been, completely understand if you already have plans with your boyfriend, or if something is going on you want to spend time with him. But to blow off your friends every single time for him is a slap in the face to us. Or to invite him to everything we do is another slap in the face. Of course as friends and family, we want to spend time with your boyfriend but it gets awkward third wheeling.

Go out with your family and friends without him sometimes and make tons of memories, as you did before. Rant and cry to friends and family sometimes instead, we care about you and your feelings, just as much as he does... maybe, even more, when you guys are fighting. When you don't talk to or see your friends and family without him there, you're pretty much telling us that you don't like being around us and that by bringing him, it makes it more bearable for you.

With that being said, you have to let him do the same. You have to let him have time for his family and friends without you. It looks super weird that you follow him around like a lost little puppy dog. Let him have time with the guys, without you being there or showing up at some point. To tag along to every little thing he does isn't healthy. Tagging along to everything thing your boyfriend does, probably makes his friends, a little uncomfortable, especially when they want their guy time and you're the only girl and they don't want you to feel awkward or left out. Or his family wants to spend time with just him and catch up.

Do things apart from each other, so when you are together you have stories to tell and pictures to show them.

Speaking of doing things apart from each other. Don't let an amazing opportunity slip away because you have to spend time away from your boyfriend. Did I leave my boyfriend to do the Disney College Program, hell yes I did. Am I going to apply again in August or maybe January? Hell yes, I am. Don't be afraid to explore things without him, even if it makes you uncomfortable, because you never know when you might get a great opportunity again.

Learning to do things alone is scary, I get it. But don't base your schedule around his, I've seen so many girls do this and it just back fries in the end. Unless you have kids, you do not plan your schedules around him or know where he is at every single second.

You never know, one day he might not be there anymore, and if you're always with your boyfriend and forgetting about friends and family, you might not have them either. And then what? Who do you depend on?

I wish you all would learn to depend on yourself before you depend completely on your boyfriend for everything. You are capable of so many things alone. You might feel like your boyfriend completes you and makes you whole, but in reality, you were already complete without him. He's just an added bonus. Don't give up your friends, family, and life because you want to be attached at the hip. You might lose more than you gain by doing that.

This goes for couples who have been dating for all lengths of time. It could be six months or six years.

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