You tell everyone I broke up with you for no reason, but after 3 years I had to explain to you that I was depressed and entirely unhappy with myself and could not be the person you needed in a relationship and this killed me because I loved you with every inch of me but I did not love myself. I never wanted to hurt you but you deserved so much more than a depressed, self-loathing teenager. But you only saw "we're done".
We still saw each other afterward to try and keep each other in our lives, but then things changed.
Your hurt feelings turned to anger, rage, revenge, and spitefulness. And my already broken-self shattered into pieces.
First came the angry texts full of malicious disgusting words ranging from "f*** you"s to "I know where you are, watch out."
Then came the showing up to my friend's place of work to have a "talk" and then my friend's house to "find" me.
Then came the conveniently running into you every single place I went and me being scared to leave my house because I didn't know what you wanted or what you were going to do.
I had no idea who you were, the guy I loved was gone and engulfed in a sea of rage.
Believe me, I am to blame for hurtful words I've said in response when I finally reached my limit, but I had no choice but to cut you out of my life entirely for a while to be away from the hurtful words and actions.
Then I let you back in...
"I only see you as an easy hook up now. You don't think I still love you do you?" "You're disgusting" "Why would I ever want to date someone like you?" showed up on my phone and crushed me.
You spent most of your time making sure to hurt me more than I could ever hurt you in between trying to show me how much you still care and loved me.
And now I can say you've achieved your goal.
I let you back in again and thought this one was going to be good. We both grew up, we could laugh, talk about anything, no fights, and then came the "I love you"s. Things seemed amazing again. The guy I loved was back and better than before.
Until, you got mad again. Then came the vindictive words and the yelling and the hate. The social media posts because you couldn't apologize and admit that you hurt the woman you "love" and want to "grow old with" like a man. Instead, you searched for reassurance and approval of being a coward through your friends.
It was nothing but blatant disrespect and immaturity and verbal abuse even after months of being apart. I finally broke entirely.
It was a mind game. The guy I had loved for the past almost 4 years of my life has sufficiently hurt me more than any other person I have encountered through all 18 years of my life. I had no idea who he was or where he went and it messed with my head.
But no matter what, I will always love him even when I know I shouldn't.
One day I would get "I love you Erin, I need you in my life" then the next "You're actually f****in insane you need help, I don't want you." Never has anyone said the things you have said to me or ruined me like you have.
And the saddest part is no one knows what you have done. Not your family, friends, no one. Because I still believe you are a good person but it is not fair for me to be made into a monster when you have been the malicious one.
But I have learned from you.
I cannot keep giving someone chances and control and power simply because of love. Because I've learned, sometimes love isn't enough but I've learned that I am.
I am enough.
The verbal and emotional abuse and your need to control me ended when I ended us.
You cannot tell me how to dress, where to go, who to see, what music to listen to, how to talk, or anything anymore. I am not your toy that you can call to whenever you want or need something. I am my own person
So now, I'm a strong, intelligent, respectful, driven, caring woman and you cannot take that away from me.
But thank you, sincerely, for teaching me I am so much better than the girl I used to be. Simply because I am my own person now.
The years we spent together were entirely amazing until the end and maybe that's when we became the people we truly are, but I'm happy I now know the real you. I wish you the best and I'll love you always but thank you for showing me what I'm worth.
The girl who got away