I never meant to push you away.

I never wanted to watch you go.

I’m sorry for all of the mixed signals, and I am still not sure what I really want.

All I was certain of is that I loved your smile. I loved the way your eyes lit up and your dimples caved in when you looked at me. I loved the way you loved me, even if I never told you so.

It is strange to think about the two of us. We were never really anything, anyway. Just two people so caught up in trying to make something together that we never stopped to think about what was really happening. We never stopped to think that maybe the possibility of something more would make it all disappear.

I’m sorry that I never gave you the explanation you deserved.

I am still uncertain. I am not sure how to explain it to you, so I don’t.

I miss you.

Every single day.

But I won’t pick up my phone and text you. I won’t let you know that it was my fault. I just keep my stupid pride and hold my head up. I push on and try to forget you. It doesn’t work. You’re not easy to forget.

I still remember the first time I really noticed you. It was an early morning and your hair was a mess. I had this strange urge to run my fingers through it and that’s when it all began.

I still wonder sometimes. What it would feel like to run my fingers through your hair. To let you steal my heart.

I never meant to push you away.

I’m sorry that it has come to this.

You and I were good together, even if not in a romantic way. Friendship is so important, too. I was lucky to have you. Someone to talk to, to laugh with, and to rely on. I regret losing a friend. I regret losing someone who was so much more than that. I regret losing you.

I’m not even sure what happened, but I know it was my fault.

I know that I am the most confusing person ever.

I know that after a while people get tired of trying to understand me. People get tired of my uncertainty. It makes them uncertain if I am even worth the time. The effort.

You thought I was, at least for a little while.

Thank you for that. For always believing in me. For making me smile.

I never meant to push you away.

But part of me was so sure that you would want to stay no matter what. I know I had no right to expect that, but I did. I expected you to want to stay. For me.

I never meant to push you away.

But I guess I don’t really know you.

Not like I thought I did.

I miss you. But I don’t think you even think about me anymore.

You’ve pushed me so far away that you don’t even think about me.

You don’t even think.

You don’t.