Do you ever feel like your head and your heart are just speaking completely different languages? Like, your head knows something is wrong and you can hear it telling you to pipe the fuck down and not do that. But then there’s your heart, it hears your head, it hears the screaming and shouting in protest but it’ll be dammed if it listens. Your heart is what gets you into trouble, and your head is what tried to keep you out of it in the first place.
Personally speaking, my heart got me into trouble about 7 months ago, and I have tried time and time again to block it out. To achieve head over heart, but the heart wants what it wants right? I fell for a guy and that alone screwed with me. I like girls, I have for quite some time so for someone to come along and have that hold over me was just so foreign. I didn’t know what to do, so I never really acted on it. The attraction was mutual, the crush was mutual, so what stopped us? God if only I knew. Maybe it was a lack of courage, maybe it was just lust, who knows. But what I do know is there’s a time and a place for everything, which is why I told you how I felt that night. I spoke the words that took everything in me to even admit I felt. That short time in between when I told you and when I left was honestly perfect. I had never experienced something so easy, and my hope was stronger than I ever imagined. The laughs were real, the smiles were even more real, and all I wanted was for us to be. Communication fell after that, and eventually you explained yourself. I was never mad, as I had no reason to be. Things happen and people fall. I was hurt, but more by myself than you.
You know how they say it’s about who you miss at 2 p.m, not 2 a.m? Well, you are my 2 p.m. You’re who I wish I could be with when I wake up, when I want my weird lunch cravings, and when I can’t sleep. I know, I know I should give up but I can’t. I always ask if they think you’ll change your mind, or if they think it was dumb of me to tell you. My friends don’t even think you deserve any kind of chance what so ever. Or they think I should cut myself off to save me the pain, which I did. You get under my skin, you make me see the world in ways I didn’t really know I could. There’s something about you that keeps me around and keeps me on my toes whenever I hear your name. In the words of Hailee Steinfeld, I didn’t know I was starving till I tasted you. You’re the best kind of love I think I could ever get so close to tasting. I’m not sure whether you’ll read this or not, or even if you’ll know this is about you to begin with. But if you do, just know I will never lose hope. Hope is for suckers, but I’m the biggest sucker of them all.
