You can't see my monster.

Just for once I wish I could step out of my body and see what everyone else sees when they look at me.

My illness is invisible. It's a monster in my brain that's as massive as Mount Everest. How could no one possibly see it but me? It's my own monster, a specialty. A brand of a thing so perfectly tailored to drive me and only me so wild that I am thrown into my own personal hell. Don't worry you can't catch it. I cant even catch it. I wish I could catch it and smash it. Smash it, until it's a speck of dust on the bottom of a shoe left behind in some long lost forgotten part of God knows where on the very edge of another universe.

I KNOW THAT I AM NOT MY ILLNESS at least that's what they tell you in therapy or better yet what you pay someone to tell you. But if my illness is in my brain and my brain is essentially what makes me a ME, than I am that illness. But you cant see it, so to you I am just me. Every action and decision I make is just simply who this human being in front of you is.

Some days I wish I could just walk around with a sign on my back that says I am depressed, I have anxiety attacks, and I have sensory issues. I want people to see that I am not mean, rude, lazy, and anti social. I want to scream to those who are so quick to see only whats in front of their eyes that I have a monster. Every second of every day I fight myself to be the me that you want to see.

Some days I lose.The real person I am gets locked up and hidden away by the monster who makes it's grand appearance on the outside masquerading as me. So at some moments I am my illness and all I want is for you to see it. I want you to see that I am fighting. I want you to see that I am fragile and that I need grace and patience. Please don't alienate me or judge me for what you think I am without taking into consideration that you can't see my monster.

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An Open Letter To The Girl Trying To Get Healthy Again

"I see you eating whatever you want and not exercising" - Pants

Dear girl trying to get back in shape,

I know it's hard. I know the hardest thing you may do all day is walk into the gym. I know how easy it is to want to give up and go eat Chicken McNuggets, but don't do it. I know it feels like you work so hard and get no where. I know how frustrating it is to see that person across the table from you eat a Big Mac every day while you eat your carrots and still be half of your size. I know that awful feeling where you don't want to go to the gym because you know how out of shape you are. Trust me, I know.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Trying To Lose Weight In College

The important thing is you are doing something about it. I'm sure you get mad at yourself for letting your body get this out of shape, but life happens. You have made a huge accomplishment by not having a soda in over a month, and those small changes are huge. I understand how hard it is, I understand how frustrating it is to not see results and I understand why you want to give up. Being healthy and fit takes so much time. As much as I wish you could wake up the day after a good workout with the 6 pack of your dreams, that just isn't the reality. If being healthy was easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't feel so good when you got there.

Remember how last January your resolution was to get back in the gym and get healthy again? Think about how incredible you would look right now if you would have stuck with it. The great thing is that you can start any time, and you can prove yourself wrong.

Tired of starting over? Then don't give up.

You are only as strong as your mind. You will get there one day. Just be patient and keep working.

Nothing worth having comes easy. If you want abs more than anything, and one day you woke up with them, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as watching your body get stronger.

Mental toughness is half the battle. If you think you are strong, and believe you are strong, you will be strong. Soon, when you look back on the struggle and these hard days, you will be so thankful you didn't give up.

Don't forget that weight is just a number. What is really important is how you feel, and that you like how you look. But girl, shout out to you for working on loving your body, because that shit is hard.

To the girl trying to get healthy again, I am so proud of you. It won't be easy, it will take time. But keep working out, eating right, and just be patient. You will be amazed with what your body is capable of doing.

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To The Person Who Can't Get Out Of Bed Because Of Depression

"Many others around the world are in the same spot you are, hoping they're not the only person that feels like this."


I know what it is you're feeling...or not feeling. Maybe you've got emotion bleeding from every part of you, and it's just too much today. Or, maybe you feel nothing at all, searching for something that makes you feel human again. Either way, depression can hold you hostage in your bed, on your couch, on the kitchen floor, staring at the stove light.

Some would look at your behavior and call it lazy, but you probably feel anything but lazy.

You may not have washed your hair in a few days, or your bedroom might look like a tornado of dirty dishes and laundry. But, depression is a lot of work and neurotypical people can't understand just how much effort you put into doing everyday tasks. Just know that you're not alone in your lethargy. Many others around the world are in the same spot you are, hoping they're not the only person that feels like this.

I want to encourage you to do the thing that you really don't want to do right now. You don't have to get everything done today, or do as much as your friends do, or as much as people say you should do. Only you live in your body; you know what your limits are.

Start with something simple, like putting your feet on the floor.

For you, on some days, that is a small victory that can be truly celebrated. If you can stand up and move around, do something nice for your body. Brush your teeth. Comb out your hair so it's nice and shiny. Stand under the shower head and use your favorite soap. If you're still doing alright after that, challenge yourself to move around. Stretch. Go outside and let the sunshine meet your skin. Ride a bike. Even though that probably sounds like the worst idea ever right now, I know that your mind and body will thank you. You might even become motivated to get something done that you've been dreading for days, weeks or even months. Pay that bill. Text that friend. Make that appointment. I promise you'll feel better with a little weight taken off your shoulders.

Do you see how one small decision to stand up can lead to a completely different track for your day? Every little thing you do today is something you can be proud of. Don't let those who don't understand or don't want to understand inhibit your progress. And, if you don't think that anyone else is proud of you, I am proud of you. Good job today.

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