Just for once I wish I could step out of my body and see what everyone else sees when they look at me.
My illness is invisible. It's a monster in my brain that's as massive as Mount Everest. How could no one possibly see it but me? It's my own monster, a specialty. A brand of a thing so perfectly tailored to drive me and only me so wild that I am thrown into my own personal hell. Don't worry you can't catch it. I cant even catch it. I wish I could catch it and smash it. Smash it, until it's a speck of dust on the bottom of a shoe left behind in some long lost forgotten part of God knows where on the very edge of another universe.
I KNOW THAT I AM NOT MY ILLNESS at least that's what they tell you in therapy or better yet what you pay someone to tell you. But if my illness is in my brain and my brain is essentially what makes me a ME, than I am that illness. But you cant see it, so to you I am just me. Every action and decision I make is just simply who this human being in front of you is.
Some days I wish I could just walk around with a sign on my back that says I am depressed, I have anxiety attacks, and I have sensory issues. I want people to see that I am not mean, rude, lazy, and anti social. I want to scream to those who are so quick to see only whats in front of their eyes that I have a monster. Every second of every day I fight myself to be the me that you want to see.
Some days I lose.The real person I am gets locked up and hidden away by the monster who makes it's grand appearance on the outside masquerading as me. So at some moments I am my illness and all I want is for you to see it. I want you to see that I am fighting. I want you to see that I am fragile and that I need grace and patience. Please don't alienate me or judge me for what you think I am without taking into consideration that you can't see my monster.