Dear Sir and/or Madam (Although, to be honest, I have yet to be told to smile by a woman),

I realize you have good intentions, but sometimes even the best intentions may come across as rude or intrusive… or both.

You probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at me, but I have social anxiety. It’s not crippling, don’t worry. I just act really awkward and hope I melt into the backdrop but my 5’11” frame and the fact that I wear all black kind of makes that impossible. So you (of course), seeing my tall awkward self, looking like she’s angry at The Man, just want to try and make my day a little bit better.

Let me let you in on a little secret: You’re not making my day better - you’re making it worse. There was nothing wrong with my day – until you decided there had to have been something wrong.

Chances are I’m also deep in thought while simultaneously trying to blend into the grass (it’s a rough life being a five on the enneagram/an INFJ). Instead of asking “Where’s that smile?” Maybe rephrase it to “What’s on your mind?” I promise I’ll (maybe) share what’s on my mind - just don’t be weirded out if I start talking about historical serial killers or if I inquire on your opinion about whether or not the people surrounding us would make a good team if the zombie outbreak were to happen now.

Also, if I was actually upset about something – telling me to smile is the least helpful thing you could do.

For example, a while back I was walking into church with my friend and we were deep in conversation about some recent police shootings and I was expressing how worried I was for my friends of color. Unbeknownst to me, the door greeter had left his post to walk up to me (the entrance to our church is a long walkway so he jogged a good 50 feet) to tease me about how I wasn’t smiling. He continued to hassle me as we walked inside, and the other door greeter joined in. I didn’t smile because honestly, it made me angry. I don’t even remember what was spoken about that morning in church – all I could think about was how they’d probably hassle me again as I left thinking it was a fun inside joke we had now.

If that had been my first experience with this church, I never would have come back. [It should be noted that when I contacted my church about it, they were incredibly apologetic and asked what service it occurred so they could prevent that from happening again.] As Christians, we should be building each other up. Jesus never told anyone to smile – He was too busy walking alongside them.

Telling a woman to smile is a form of objectifying her. I realize this may be strong wording for you, so bear with me.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I’ve never had a woman tell me to smile. (They typically use different language like “Are you okay” – but I got this more often as a child because I went through a quiet phase and looked pale enough to be a vampire. Seventh grade is essentially my introvert origin story.) From what I’ve gathered from my own personal observations, it’s always men. Specifically men I don’t even know. This makes me worried that there are social implications that society presses on us that women are supposed to always be smiling - whether they want to or not. It makes me feel like I’m just this object whose sole purpose is to look nice and make other people feel better about themselves when I look nice/pleasing to the eye. If a woman is making a “neutral” or “frowning” face, it’s almost like this is counter-cultural. There’s even a word for this, “Resting B**** Face”.

Do men have an equivalent term with a masculine adjective/noun I’m not aware of? Why not? Is this okay? Do you find this fair?

Because I don’t.

I’m going to end this with a challenge. Instead of expecting all women to smile, just try to make the world a better place by focusing on everyone equally: say hello to a passerby on the sidewalk, hold the door open, high five a stranger, support an artist on patreon, or pay for someone else’s coffee.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t force people to change just to make you feel more comfortable, because chances are you’re making them/me/us feel highly uncomfortable.

And please: Don’t assume that just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m not happy.

Signed,
An introverted girl who isn’t a big fan of meeting new people with agendas she’ll never see again.

P.S. To strangers reading this who have been told to smile, I’ve found that wearing sunglasses deters people from talking to you – really big sunglasses. There’s a part of me that wants to buy a wig like Sia’s and call it a day, but that might attract even more attention.

P.P.S. If there are any men who are reading this and have been told to smile – please share! I am legitimately curious if this is a gender-related thing or if this happens to everyone. Please include your voice!