An Open Goodbye to My Dad

Dear Dad,

I know we haven't always gotten along. I know I can be a lot like mom. I know I could always be a better daughter, and spend time with you. I know I could call more. I know. I'm sorry.

But I will always be a Daddy's Girl. Your Girl.

Our relationship hasn't always been good, and I'll be the first to admit it. When I was younger, I tried to do what you wanted, and I tried to be your person, but it was hard. Then, I started growing up, and all bets were off. We became oil and vinegar; we never meshed well. But, after some serious soul searching, I've come to realize that I can't change you, or change your actions. I just have to accept you for you.

This is me letting go everything in the past. This is me wanting to start over.

And this is you moving.

I never thought you'd ever be more than a short drive away, and here you are. Packing up everything and leaving. Far. I don't know how I feel about it. I know I'll miss you, but I almost feel... Guilty. Like I could have done more.

I could have visited you when I had free time, not when I "had" to. I could have called or texted you just to check in. I could have gotten to really know you, as a friend because we're at that stage in life. I should have.

On the other side of it too, you could have called. You could have invited me over to chat. You could have tried to come to some of the important things, and not make a scene when it didn't go your way.

But, like I said, I can't change the past. I can only embrace the future.

Moving will be good for you. You'll have family around 24/7, you'll get good meals, you won't have to climb soooo many stairs to get home, the cat will have more people to take care of her.

But, I won't be there. I won't be able to check in. I won't be able to just say 'hi'. Not that I did it all that much before, but still. It's the idea that I can't. Because you're moving. Far.

Now that this reality is smacking me in the face, I've realized some things. I want to make our relationship better. I want you to actually know what's going on in my life. Who my friends are, where I'm going, how I'm doing in school. Maybe even meet my boyfriend. I want you to be a part of as much as possible.

I want you to be there for me. I want you to accept me for me. I want you to know me.

I'm sorry it took me 20 years and a move to realize this. I'm sorry I let my anger and frustration with you take over the best parts of our relationship. I'm sorry you feel the need to make me come over by guilting me. I wish it wasn't like this.

I want to do everything in my power to change it. But you're leaving.

But, like I said. We can't change each other, or the past.

Besides, moving will be good for you. Right?

I love you, Dad. I'll miss you.