There are 5 steps for every recovery. Whether it is from death, addiction, or even heartbreak. Every person in not built the same, nor grieves in the same way. We could take days or we could take years to work through the steps.
Step 1: Denial
At first, I refused to face the fact I no longer had someone who loved me as much as I love them. I did not want to face reality, it was like I was in a world where the words 'done', 'over', and 'break-up' did not cease to exist; nor ever thought of.
Step 2: Anger
No matter how many times I said 'I hate you', I did not mean it. I wanted to but had too much love for them. I would stay awake letting the words escape my mouth with every harsh thing I could think of. Trying to focus on the pain you caused; I could not bring myself to hate you. It came to the point where I wish the 2 years, 68 days, 8 hours, and 23 minutes did not happen; hoping I would not have to bear the heartache. All I had to offer was hate. The moment the love from you escaped your heart was the moment I was filled with pain, hate, anger, and darkness.
Step 3: Bargaining
I spent weeks pleading and begging to turn back time and wipe away the pain. I bargained to have another chance, to rewind time, to fast forward through the suffering, and to feel nothing. My wishes were not granted. Nothing worked. With each step, I made towards bettering myself came 2 steps back or back to square 1.
Step 4: Depression
This step lasted the longest and took the biggest toll on me. I spent months screaming and crying myself to sleep. Turning to narcotics to help me numb the pain, causing physical pain upon myself to avoid the emotional toll on my heart, staying in fetal position for days at a time, not eating, not showering, not moving -- feeling like this world had nothing to offer me or that I had nothing to offer. I never knew how bad one's emotions could affect their health. Losing 15 pounds, losing hair, not being able to sleep, getting sick, and developing ulcers. In this stage, I attempted to end my pain 5 times, 5 times too many. I just wanted out. Out of my head, out of my pain, out of my suffering, out of the insomniac nights, just out of my life. I looked around and saw him every place, every billboard, every commercial, every song, and every blink i forced my eyes to make. I was reminded if the past everywhere I looked and at every chance, it broke me. At this point, I was completely defeated. Conquered. Heartbroken.
Step 5: Acceptance
With time and many 'rebounds', I was healed. This experience has damaged me, but it has also made me know what I want and what I need in a partner. I have accepted the fact that we did not work out, if anything - I am glad we did not work out. We are better off moving on in our lives and starting a new beginning with another person who was truly made for us.
