When people ask you who the girl on your Instagram is. The one you never talk about. The one who has been on there since I made it. How do I tell them I don't know? Because I don't. I smile politely and say “just an old friend” or “someone I used to know.”
Here's an open letter to my once upon a time best friend.
I don't hate you. Regardless of how many times I swore I hated you since we stopped being friends, I don't. Sometimes I miss you. Not the you who made me sometimes feel like my life wasn't worth living, but the 13-year-old you, the binge watching Grease you, the crying first kiss you, the one person I knew I could count on you.
And it's been almost a year since I knew you. I sometimes wonder if this is how Siamese Twins feel once they're separated. We are both too hard headed to not have one another blocked, but hey, at least we still have one thing in common. And I know one of our old friends will send this to you in a group chat, because I know how much you love group chats. So hello old friend.
This place I am at right now, I want you to know I got here because I followed your advice in the 7th grade. About how no small town could keep a girl like me. I also want to tell you all the things you've missed out on, but I'm sure you already know them. So here's an apology.
I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't the friend you needed. We both had our faults in the friendship department, but neither of us really meant any harm. We were just being ourselves and sometimes being ourself doesn't require anyone's permission. We watched each other grow; even if that meant growing apart. I catch myself doing things that you taught me. Like if it's late at night and I really want a bowl of cereal, I eat it out of a cup, an old habit I learned from you. Or reading too many online articles. Or taping things to my wall. When all your favorite bands come on, I still sing along.
There's really no way to describe when something you knew for so long just isn't anymore. I think the one thing I really learned for this is the void ending a friendship like ours left. Sometimes when I hear someone say my name I wait for yours to follow. Other times I wonder what you told your family about me because they all have me blocked on Facebook. But most days I just forget. I can't remember the exact moment we stopped sharing secrets. I vaguely remember our last fight. If someone asked me what your room looked like I could only tell them the before. When people ask me what you're like I can only tell them the before.
But what I do remember is being 13. It's blurting all the lyrics to one direction. It's trying to be a vegetarian 3 years in a row. It's friendship. Raw and uncut friendship. It's us knowing what friendship was before the world told us what it should be.
So to the people asking me who the girl on my Instagram is, I don't know, but if you see her, tell her I said hi.
