Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm.

when i love, i love deeply

i love with every inch of my skin and every bone in my body

i love with the passion in my eyes and the blood rushing through my veins

when that love runs out,

when the blood no longer rushes to my head,

it rushes out the cuts instead

as soon as my sharp blade hits my smooth skin,

my blood rushes out in hopes of the same feeling of passion, love, and hope

instead, my veins drain of the good and refill themselves with more of my own demons

the brightness in my body explodes out those cuts rather than the darkness I hope to be rid

after my skin heals over and creates mountains and gorges of scars,

i surround myself with people who are toxic

i trick myself into thinking those people will give me the same feelings of love

however, i am wrong

those people resemble my darkest thoughts and fears and when they’re gone, i feel nothing

to feel again, i relearn love

i pour myself into yet another person who gives me joy and unconditional support

but, being the destructive person i am,

i, yet again, push them away causing the vicious cycle to continue

i should be used to loving and losing by now

and yet, my heart’s scars heal over and try to make my brain forget what it’s like to lose

but the scars on my skin will never allow me to forget

the ridges remind me of the hills and valleys of pain and hopelessness i’ve encountered

they remind me not to love as passionately the next time someone comes around

and when i forget, more scars appear in attempts to remind myself

but me being human, i make the same mistakes over and over

i can just hope that one day, what normally would be another mistake will be the one to make me forget the pain and sorrow i’ve been through

one day, someone will show me why i make these mistakes

one day, someone will help piece me together and glue my broken parts into place

one day, the vicious cycle will end