At the beginning, I lost my crown. I walked around with my head down, leaning on my own understanding. Needing no one and nobody's opinion about my business and eventually I transitioned into self hate which robbed me of my power. My spirit began to decay, I knew no other way. I was confused, rebellious and independent. Giving but not receiving the love which I intended to get back. I shut down and shut out. Darkness fell upon me in this cold world. Not having a clue on how to help myself, I wrecked myself. I retreated and allowed my mind to cloud. I felt I had no way up, so I sat down and cried aloud. I needed a release, I needed a know how. I had to realize the answers were internalized.
Recognizing the monsters were internal was mind- boggling. I should love her and treat her well, but instead I robbed her. "Her"- being my femininity. I robbed her of not material things that revolved around her, but the beauty she had and the prerequisites needed to solve inner mysteries, histories and worries. Instead I allowed negativism to enter in without realizing its pain which gave gain to an insane feeling called growth. Gloomy yet blooming, flowing and strolling through the depths of my soul. Seated at a place nobody knows or has patrolled. Perfectly intertwined and inside a box. That box being my brain which stores the feelings and thoughts. In the beginning I lost my crown, but now it is on my head.
During the initial phase of my odyssey, I didnt believe in myself. I didn't speak life or positively. I knew not of my value or my worth; only existing and missing out on all good in reverse. Karma. I was overthinking and blaming everything on you. You, the inner beast determined to cause me blue. Or was it all an illusion and I'm the one to blame? I finally understand we are one in the same. A war is going on inside me. It is a horrible war and it is between two spirits. One is darkness- it is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The opposition is light. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. At times it is hard to live with these two spirits inside of me. With both trying to overcome and dominate, I had to learn how to feed one and starve the other.
Looking in the mirror I see you and you see me, but now I am wearing my crown perfectly and secured on top. Underneath my crown lies my dreadlocs. To those who do not know locs have a spiritual root. Everything goes back to the holy ones living amongst you. It is said that "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown", I live this so I can agree and say it is true. To whom much is given much is required , I have learned that you cannot grow by being afraid and hidden away nor is it healthy to deny her. Her being femininity.
