I turn the lock four times and then quickly rush into my room. The sheets of the bed are neatly turned down, and I crawl in delicately as not to mess them up. As I roll over onto my right side, I mentally run through tomorrow’s checklist and plan every hour of my day. Eventually, I drift into sleep and for a few short hours, I sense true peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet. Two luxuries that I rarely experience while awake. Two luxuries that anyone with obsessive compulsive disorder rarely experience.
You see, there is a very dark side to OCD, one that most people don’t talk about. With it comes thoughts that torture your mind, constant fear and doubt. No matter what you do, you feel there will be life-altering consequences.
If your suitcase weighs more than 50 pounds, it will bring down the plane. You drive down a street of kids playing and do all you can to not blink so you don't hit one of them. These are the types of irrational thoughts that cross the brain of someone with OCD. Every day is a constant struggle to decipher an actual threat from one your mind makes up. It’s a grueling disorder, one that chips away your self-confidence.
I was 17 when I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. As I sat in the over-sized psychologist’s chair tapping my feet in the same repetitive motion, I felt hopeless. She spoke to me about treatment options but “Ultimately," she said, “you will suffer with obsessive compulsive disorder all of your life.”
Those four words, “all of your life," rattled around my brain. What a terrible and grueling way to go through life. Fearful of everything, constantly counting, having to do daily activities repeatedly, how could I go on living in such a deep pit of despair?
The next several months I spent two days a week with a therapist, countless checks were handed to her, and many tears were shed. An hour before each appointment I would begin to cry because it was hard. It was hard to open up to someone about my biggest fears and irrational thoughts. Not only did I feel exposed, I felt embarrassed.
Two years later and I still fight the fight against OCD. Through therapy, I have gotten certain aspects of my disorder under control, but to be perfectly honest, it still haunts me on a daily basis. Most people are oblivious to my diagnosis, only a select few know because up until now I have been embarrassed to talk about it.
But enough is enough. Mental illness has such a negative association and by not talking about my own illness, I’m conforming to that stigma. Our world needs to open its arms to those with mental illness, not shun them. Those of us with OCD need support and understanding. Before you make fun of me or OCD, before you laugh at my repetitive motions, do your research and learn why I am the way I am.
