As someone who grew up in a conservative Korean family, I was always told to be humble and to put others before myself. This humility gradually turned into self-deprecation and low self-esteem.
As a child, I suffered from being overweight, or at least “overweight” in society’s eyes. I grew up being told, genuinely and jokingly, “Wow, how much do you weigh?" "You’re pretty fat for a kid your age." "Did you gain weight?" "Looks like you put on some weight recently.”
All of these phrases were continuously surrounding me. Because of this, I struggled with body image and insecurities about the way I looked and how much I weighed.
Not only that but I also struggled and continue to struggle with an overbearing feeling and need to please those around me. If someone misinterprets what I’ve said, I constantly overthink and replay the conversation over and over in my mind.
Although it will take time, I need to learn to let those things go because what happened in the past should be left in the past, and it remains solely as a means for me to learn from those mistakes and become a better, stronger person.
Why do I feel the need to please others when the only judge in the end is God? When I die, I will go into my grave alone. My friends, family, acquaintances, and whoever I’m trying to please will not go to my grave with me.
Why am I a people-pleaser when I am called to please God?
I need to love myself and put myself first; in this way, I can learn to love others. How can I love others if I do not love myself? Once I love myself as a child of God, I am then able to pour out this Christ-like love onto others.
However, this doesn’t mean that I should be indifferent to others and be insensitive to their concerns and feelings. It means that I should be there for the people I care about, but it must be done without the expense of myself and my needs (not wants, but needs!)
Seeking affirmation from others, trying to go on diets, or even seeking cosmetic surgery to try to prove my worth and try to obtain confidence is temporarily satisfying.
I am beautiful, and I am loved. Yes, I am loved by those around me, but most importantly, I am loved by the Father above. With these truths, I aspire to become someone who finds her worth in God alone.
