As a young girl in America, I can remember idolizing celebrities, not for what they looked like or what talent they had, but for their appearance. Society has time and time again, in one way or another, gotten embedded into my mind enough that it determines how I should dress, look, my weight, how I should act with the opposite sex. Interestingly enough this goes deeper than what you can see on the outside.
It also includes who I should, and shouldn't, accept in a family structure. If you think of Cinderella, you grow up knowing that stepmothers and stepparents are nothing less than evil. However, when you hear someone who isn't biologically someone's father stepping into a child's life, they're a "lifesaver," and furthermore, praised. I myself, am a single mother, so when a new woman came into the picture, automatically I pictured her to be exactly this. Evil, in every way. I thought she would barely acknowledge my son; I thought she would skip some basic responsibilities, such as feeding or bathing him because she didn't care. Why would she right? I mean she's not biologically anything to him.
For years this brainwashing grew. If I so much as saw my son with dirty shoes, I thought, “What is happening there? Why is no one buying new shoes?” instead of thinking, “She took him to the park, what a nice gesture.” Six years passed like this, where we couldn't even so much agree on a haircut. If I ever heard someone even refer to her using any variation of the word "mother," there was hell to pay. I never thought we'd be able to communicate. I'm sure for her this frustration was worse as she was truly trying to be the best mother-figure she could.
Last year, I approached my son’s stepmother and asked her to sit down in a public place so we could speak. Our hearts were still closed but we were attempting to mend a friendship. It didn't succeed; months passed and only now are we're on a more friendly basis. The first time I saw her attempt to be a member of this family was when she worked a long work day at a grueling job and drove two hours to my son’s new school to stand beside me at Back to School Night.
Her attention to detail at this event was remarkable. I remember her taking out what appeared to be a planner and she began to take notes on what the teacher had to say about lesson plans and upcoming in and out of school events. She even signed herself up to receive emails. We left this event and my heart was happy that someone was genuinely interested in my son.
My son began several out-of-school activities -- his biggest was wrestling. At one match, as a mother, I was having a typical proud ‘mommy’ moment as he got on the mat. I looked over only to see his stepmother standing there, veins coming out of her neck shouting "that's my boy!" That was when I realized: our maturity level needed to grow. She and I needed our walls down in order to be the best parents we could for OUR son.
To this day, I can honestly say, society was so wrong about stepmothers. If I had a machine to build a person, I couldn't have drawn up a better person than the one she is. They're not evil, they're just not you. They're not going to neglect your child, not starve them and make them do household chores while they and their other children go shopping. Stepmothers and stepparents may not be biological, but if you open your mind and heart, they can be your representative when you're not around. And I'm proud that she's mine.
