Over the past few months I have been on a journey to take back my life, and I started by putting myself first. For years I struggled with my mental illness and taking care of myself. I was constantly at war with myself, and it was both mentally and physically exhausting. I ended up losing control of my life, and I'm lucky to receive the help I did so that I could take back my life.
In order to take back the control of my life, to be in a healthier mental state, I had to learn to put myself first. One of my therapists told me that if I kept ignoring my needs I would continue to mentally deteriorate. This was hard for me, because for years I put my feelings aside to be there for anyone who needed someone to be there for them.
For awhile, it made me feel good to be there for others when they needed someone the most, but it eventually became a chore. I ended up taking on too many peoples' problems, and spent too much time believing I could fix them. It was both mentally and physically exhausting, especially since I spent a lot of time staying up till four or five in the morning giving people advice.
The most important piece of advice I would tell others was to whatever they needed to be happy because their happiness was more important than anything else. Thinking back on all of this I wonder if I was able to tell others to put their needs and happiness first, why couldn't I take my own advice?
I used to help people because I thought seeing them happy would make me happy as well. I put my feelings aside to help others, but when I needed someone it was hard to find someone that cared enough. In the end I decided to bottle up my feelings because I felt like I shouldn't feel those emotions. I put school and work first, and never gave myself anytime to relax because I thought being successful and pleasing other people was more important. Mental health days didn't exist in my world because I overworked myself to avoid having any downtime to over think, or to drown in my thoughts and feelings.
When I started getting my life together, I cut toxic people out of my life. I cut out the people who made me feel guilty for working or doing school assignments, and not leaving time for them. I got rid of the friends who made me feel guilty for hanging out with other friends or family, complained about not having my constant attention, or always made me do what they wanted when they wanted.
If I didn't put myself first I wouldn't have gotten better, or have moments of happiness. I can't say they are no more bad days, but they're rare, and I can work through them by taking time to put my needs at that time first. I can't bottle up the bad feelings, or tell myself I shouldn't feel a certain way. I have to always put my needs and wants before other people. It's a constant learning process, but it is not selfish.
