I will gladly share pieces of my past with those who ask. Maybe it’s because I have accepted it as a key part of shaping who I am, or it is not as extreme as stories others hold. But I know that my story, my life, holds some value that the Lord can use in those of others.

If you ask, I will tell you about how my family used to be LDS. I will tell you that I have spent the past ten years trying to figure out my beliefs. I will tell you that I came to Christ at fourteen. I will tell you that I have harbored a great deal of anger and resentment, and spent the past few years trying to break that down through my relationship with the Lord. I will joke with you about the songs I sang growing up and my hatred for Sunday dresses. I will share details of the emotions I fought, as well as those I embraced.

When I tell you these things, though, do not define me by them. Do not continuously bring up what and where I have been, whether in jest or not. Do not bring to the surface guilt and shame that I am working through so that you can get a nice jab at me. Do not hold my past against me; I’m already doing that enough.

I have been a Christian for five years now, but I still deal with the past on a daily basis. I have spent the last five years trying to fully understand God, no matter how impossible that feat is. I have been trying to get to the root of who He is and why He would not only accept, but want someone like me. I have been unpacking His love for me, and I still don’t understand it. I never will. Why would the God of the universe, the Creator of everything, want me? Why would He waste time on someone so broken? Concerning this, I have wrestled with the Bible and fought God on several fronts, and always lost. He continuously shows me His love, even though I could never deserve it.

Now, while it may seem that I tell you much, there is a great deal you do not know. I don’t even know some of it. I am working through my story each day. Every ounce of me is put into trying to decipher this bizarre puzzle God has created out of my life, and each piece seems to lead to seven more. Within that puzzle has come the lesson that this is not my story, and definitely not my puzzle; I am not the author, nor the game-maker. I am not in control of my life, as much as I like to imagine I am. I am in control of myself, but not the circumstances around me. Circumstances guide your actions, actions dictate your life; learning to act and live in a way that glorifies the Lord has dictated my life’s course. Had I done things differently? I would be in a vastly different, far darker place in life than I am now. And my puzzle would be drastically different.

God has used my past to shape me. He has worked in me, but I still have plenty of room to grow. Keep this in mind as you think about my story, and those of others. Do not use my past as an explanation for who I am today; do not think “So that’s why she’s that way.” Instead, search for the growth. Look at where I am now compared to where I started. God is working in me constantly, and, even though we have much left to do, He’s made excellent progress in softening my heart and shaping me into the person He designed me to be.

Do not mock me for who I was, or you’ll miss who God is making me out to be.