I want to talk about this last year of my life, and it may go over 500 words, but it’s worth it to convey the impact of the journey. If there was one word to sum up what this last year has been for me, it would be “roller coaster.”

I am a former Northland student. I could go on for ages about why Northland was so important to me, so maybe I’ll save that for another article, but this article is dedicated to the year following Northland. This article is dedicated to the change, the pain, the grieving, the resentment, the brokenness, the healing, the new friendships made, the relapses and the continual process of refocusing and rebuilding.

Approximately one year ago, I was adjusting to my life back at home after my college university of three wonderfully chaotic and life-changing years closed its doors. The amount of grief I felt was so deep and raw that I can’t take the time to explain it or the reason for it in this short article. I’ll summarize it in this way: my three years at Northland International University involved more spiritual growth than I have ever experienced as well as some of the deepest and most meaningful relationships I will ever build.

Upon leaving Northland for the final time, my world was turned upside down. I went home and put on a face for all of the people who were curious about the next step in my life. I had no idea. I was still paralyzed with grief. But every Sunday I recited the same answer for the over-asked question. Inside I yearned to scream the answer to the unasked question, “No! I am not OK!” There were times when the mask would crack, and I would have to go hide myself away in the bathroom at church while I balled my eyes out because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was suffocating. I felt trapped in my own broken shell of grief and feigned ambivalence. The healing that summer was minuscule.

My relief was that I would be able to join my best friend at the school we had chosen in Pennsylvania. I just wanted to be close to someone who knew my pain. School started and the adjustment was hard. I was still grieving and relapsed into depressive moods often. But about five or six weeks in, I started to pick up and move on. Things were getting better.

Why did I ever think things might stay that way? My best friend got sick. She wasn’t just sick, though. She went home after being diagnosed with leukemia. I cried out to God, “I know You’re good. I know that You’re sovereign. I just can’t reconcile the two.” It tore me apart and took my doubt and depression to whole new levels. I tried to keep it together, though. For her sake, I would stay positive and move on. She was such an encouragement through such a huge trial. I branched out, got involved, made friends, and decided to go home at the end of the semester. I only had ten credits left and I could finish online. I needed the break.

So much happened over the last year, that this time at home was what I really needed to just breathe and recuperate. Let me tell you, though, it was no walk in the park. Between work and school, I was constantly busy. I was always tired. I had no social life and I was flat out done with everything.

Soon after coming home, I started attending a new church with one of my friends. This wasn’t a result of everything that had happened or anything my original church had said or done, but something I felt God leading me to do. I had been intermittently looking for a new church for three years in the limited time I was back from school. I wasn’t sure about visiting the church at first, but ever since my first Sunday there, I have never left. God pulled me into that church and used it right away to bring me to my knees.

I came in at the beginning of a sermon series called, “Sorting it Out… Why do I have to go through Personal Pain?” If that wasn’t what I needed right at that point in my life, I don’t know what was. I am now pursuing membership, and we have moved onto the follow-up series, “A Second Wind.” Every week, God uses Pastor Dodd to convict me or encourage me in some new way or another, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the whole experience. The people in this church have no idea just how much God has used them in this one broken and grief-stricken sinner’s life.

Initially, I didn’t care about building new relationships. I had too much pain and grief to overcome for that. I didn’t have time either. I just wanted to finish my schooling and be done with this phase of life that was causing me so much pain. I gained some new acquaintances who I think can become very good friends. And that’s fine. I didn’t need more than that. At the moment, what I really truly needed was healing. I needed to hear truth. I needed God’s Word screamed at me. I needed the Holy Spirit to tug at my heart and pull it from the abyss of grief that it was rapidly sinking into. And that’s exactly what I got.

I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my church and my new pastor pointing at me every single Sunday by God’s sovereign leading that I would not be at this point of healing. I would still be stuck in grief. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t still struggle or cry myself to sleep at night at times, but I’m getting my second wind. I’m ready to get involved again. I’m ready to work hard and put myself out there. It won’t be easy, but it is time for me to put aside my fear and my grief and just keep moving forward in God’s strength.

So here’s my piece of advice from what this last year has taught me. When you’re in the depths of despair and you have hit rock bottom, don’t ever forget that you are left standing on the strongest Rock you will ever encounter and who is all you will ever need. God knows exactly what you need and when you need it, and he is going to give it to you whether you ask for it or not.

Trust God, and Live On.

⁸ For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)