On August 13 of 2015, I tried to take my own life. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the scariest moment in life, but yet the most relieving too. I know. You’re probably thinking “If it was scary, why did you do it?” or, sadly, “If it was relieving, what stopped you?”

To answer the first question, why exactly would I do something so scary? Well, I suffered from a little thing called suicidal ideation, which means literally suicidal thought but is way more than just thoughts. And there are many sufferers. I suffered because it stemmed from my anxiety and depression as a side effect. I suffered for two years, attempted four times, but only got help once. The four times, I talked myself out of it at the last minute or something got in my way. Most of the time, I thought about the people that care about me, specifically all of my nieces and nephews. They wouldn’t understand where I went and why. But, at the last time, the only thing that stopped me was love.

And that’s the answer to the second question. Love stopped me from succeeding. One my friends called me because I had randomly stopped texting her. And, God, am I so thankful that she did. She could tell something wasn’t right in my voice and wouldn’t let me off the phone. So, I hung up on her. And she texted me with a text that said, “I’m calling an ambulance.”

I scared a lot of people that day, and I am so sorry for that. I’m not apologizing for having the issues I did/have. I am apologizing for catching so many in a whirlpool that I didn’t even know how to escape, myself.

But, now, I want to talk about the life I have that I wouldn’t if I had succeeded. The anniversary of that day is coming up, and I have a lot to celebrate.

First things first, I have so many new friends that I didn’t before. So many that I consider family that I know will be in my life for the rest of my life. They are those friends that you could go months without speaking to and they would still be there, but why would you go months without speaking if you didn’t have to? So, we speak almost every day. And they insure me that I won’t be alone forever, because half of them tell me that they are just going to marry me after so many years if neither of us have anyone.

Next thing, and probably the most important thing, I don’t suffer anymore. I don’t have any suicidal ideations. And if a random thought does come up, it is just that. A thought, but in no way a temptation or anything remotely close to what I was having to deal with.

And the most recent, I am in the happiest relationship I have ever been in. It’s comfortable and reliable which something I could never get both of at the same time before (no offense to any of my past relationships). And for anyone who is upset because it goes against your beliefs, just be happy I’m still alive. Because you more than likely played a part in keeping me that way.

Lastly, I have really driven myself into spirituality. I have learned so much about the God that I have known so little about my entire life. I’ve done so by studying the Bible in its truest and most honest sense and learning about other religions. I’ve tried to understand how they view God and respect why. Most of it is very beautiful and helps me see Him in a new light.

This is all just a summary that does my story little justice but brings light by just stating that I am alive. And to any other sufferers, don’t make the same mistake I did. Get help. Don’t be afraid of hurting others, because you will do nothing but hurt yourself. Trust me, once you actually receive the help you need, your life will begin to brighten up a little. Colors will look brighter. People will seem a lot friendlier. Love will feel a lot stronger. And your smile will be a lot fuller.

To the person that caught almost all of the blame for that day, I am so sorry. You were just merely the straw that broke the camel’s back. That had been coming for a while and I hate that you were what caused it to finally happen. If I had got help when it first started, this all could have been avoided. However, no matter what happened, I am glad that you and I are friends again.

To the people that just called it an “episode”, I am so sorry that you are so uneducated and can’t see past your own eyes and realize that it’s an actual condition.

To the people that beat the ambulance to the hospital, thank you for being the first faces I saw after that. Because love was written all over them. And I am so sorry for scaring you the way I did. I am okay. I am doing great. And I am happy.

To my mom and stepdad, thank you for taking the two-hour drive to make it to me. You both showed that no excuse could stand in your way

Finally, to everyone that has shown me love on that day and since that day, thank you. Because of you, I have made it.

And, last but definitely not least, I need to thank you, Self. Thank you for accepting me and loving me even at times when it was very hard. I know that I can always count on you to understand me and love me when no one else will. Thank you for finally accepting me and learning to understand that I am not a mistake and that I am amazing. Most importantly, thank you for not killing me.