I am not here for your convenience.
I am not here for favors, when you need someone, when you need a scapegoat, or when you have nothing better to do. I am not here for your convenience.
Lately, I've been realizing that I am the "convenient" friend to a lot of people. I'm the one they go to when they need a ride when they want to brag about their accomplishments when they need an excuse for something. And, typically, I don't care. At least I've got someone to talk to sometimes, right?
But that's wrong. And I realized it, this past month when it felt like one bad thing kept happening after another and I felt hopeless and tired and, most of all, lonely. I was lonely...and yet I had all these people that I called "friends." Why was that?
It's taken me until now to realize. I was lonely because none of these "friends" were there for me. Nobody was inviting me out before posting their nights out on Snapchat. Nobody was answering my messages when I was looking for someone to talk to. Nobody bothered to check in.
But as soon as they needed someone-- as soon as something bad happened and they needed support, as soon as they needed someone to cover for them-- they reached out to me. They didn't ask how I was doing, they didn't ask why I'd been isolating myself for the past few weeks-- they just used me for what they needed, and that was that.
And that's wrong.
I've spent the better part of the past month questioning my own worth. Am I good enough? Why can't I seem to keep a friend? Why do I push people away? But I shouldn't be questioning that. Nobody should have to question their worth because their "friends" don't treat them like a real friend.
I'm–slowly–starting to feel better about myself. I'm slowly starting to pull myself out of this depressive episode I've found myself in, and I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. And with this slow and steady recovery, I've quickly grown angry. I've grown angry at the way people–supposed "friends"–have treated me. I've grown angry at the way I let people treat me, over and over again, and my naivety in believing this time will be different.
It won't be different. It's never different.
I am not a "welcome" mat. I am not here to be walked on. I am not here to be used. I am not here when it's convenient for others. I'm a living, breathing human with the same valid emotions, problems, and needs as everyone else. I deserve better than what I've let myself receive.
My value as a friend lies in my ability to listen, to offer help when I can, to love unconditionally and to be there for others in the way I wish they would be there for me. My value lies in the way I forgive others, in the way I give second chance after second chance, in the way I put others' feelings before my own. My value as a friend does not lie in my usefulness.
If people can't see that, they were never a real friend to begin with.
