After my accident occurred, and I realized I was going to have to miss an entire semester, it seemed to be the second question most people would ask me after the standard, “How are you feeling? Are you still going to graduate on time?” I must have heard it a thousand times. I mostly told people that I didn’t know, that I was worrying about getting myself out of a hospital before thinking about my classes and graduation year.
As time went on and I spent more time away from Elon, the question started to creep up in the back of my head, even though I tried hard to push it away and not think about it. When I came back to school in the spring, I got the question even more, and I became aggravated when people asked me. “I don’t know,” was the only thing I could stutter out.
I didn’t want to think about it. I was in pain, I was struggling to get out of bed every day and have the motivation and the strength to even go to class and go to work. I barely saw my friends, and if I did, then I was in bed with ice and painkillers. I was missing out on events and on parties -- it felt like I was missing out on life.
The question kept coming back and the more I tried to avoid it, the more upset I became. I finally sat down with my advisor and talked it out. At the end of the meeting, I decided I would drop my double major of theater and psychology to a major in theater and a minor in psychology. I knew I would graduate on time this way, so I agreed to it, he changed it online and I walked out of his office.
I didn’t feel right about this decision, but once again, I pushed the feeling down and tried to come to terms with it. I would get to graduate with my friends. Why was I still so upset?
As summer approached, I found myself feeling miserable about my decision. My friends kept saying, “I can’t believe it’s our senior year,” but I didn’t feel like I was ready for my last year. I missed the fall semester of my junior year; I spent it in and out of hospitals at home, and I spent the spring of my junior year constantly in pain, barely able to go out and go to class, let alone see my friends. Junior year was not an enjoyable year for me, and I felt like I deserved another shot at it. I didn't feel ready to be done yet.
The first person I told was my boss. I wasn’t even sure how he was going to react, but I knew that I needed to talk to someone about it. I knocked on his door, and stood in the doorway and said those words, “I’m not going to graduate on time.” He nodded and asked me one simple question, “Are you OK?” I broke down at the sound of the question because I knew the answer. I immediately started crying while shaking my head, “No.”
I’m not OK yet, but I will be. I know it’s the right decision. I love theater and psychology, and I’m not willing to give one of them up. I came here to get an education, and I’m not going to leave until that education is complete. It’s going to take every strength inside of me not to break down when I see all of my friends graduate without me, but I find myself staying strong through the quote, “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.”
I think what really surprises me is how much we feel the need to follow the status quo, and I am worried I'm going to be judged because I'm not following the usual 4-year track of college. In my opinion, college is a time to explore your interests, and I think for me, I didn't really find those interests until my sophomore and junior year, therefore putting me a little behind. Yes, it's great for those people who know exactly what they want to do going into college, but for anyone reading this that doesn't know, that's okay too. It's okay to change your major five or six times before you finally get it right.
It’s going to take time before I am at peace with my decision, and I am hoping that time will heal my physical and mental wounds.
