Gentlemen, we need to have a talk – a serious talk. Your beards; they’re too much. As many of you have noticed, this month has been dubbed in recent years “No-Shave November.” While I think this campaign is for a great cause, and a fantastic reason to grow copious amounts of facial hair, there is a slight problem: these marvelous mustaches and bewildering beards disappear at the stroke of midnight on Dec. 1 almost like Cinderella’s magic ball gown and pumpkin carriage.
Why are these Duck Dynasty lookalikes turning back into middle school boys in a few minutes’ time? While it's always humorous to see a bunch of guys trying to grow Zeus' beard, though it ends up looking like a band of rogue Sasquatches running around campus, I believe I can give an answer to this pressing question.
The reason this happens is due to the fact that your face gets incredibly itchy, forcing you to either ditch the beard or retreat into the wilds to live alone (and perpetually itchy). So do all bearded fellows suffer from the curse of an itchy, scratchy face year-round and live in their cabins in the wilderness? Of course not! The answer is so simple you'll kick yourself and wonder how you ever lived through a November without this solution...
You are not taking care of your beards!
That’s right, gents. Just as you have to groom that mop atop your noggin, so you need to take care of that rug on your mug! I know what you’re thinking, “I wash my beard in the shower every day!” Incorrect, good sir! This requires a different arsenal than what you would use for your head hair; being a bearded gent myself, I can attest to the importance of grooming one's face with the right stuff. If I can be rather honest with you, it’s a deal breaker if you decide to not take good care of your beard. So how do you do this, you may ask? Beard oils, balms, and shampoos – I know it sounds ridiculous, but just hear me out.
For a brief lesson on hair science, I’ll just say that the hair on your head is far different from the hair that grows on your face: head hair is very fine, whereas facial hair is coarse. If these two types of hair are so different, it only makes sense to groom them differently.
The main product you will need in this arsenal of beard grooming is a good bottle of beard oil. Essentially, beard oil is just a leave-in conditioner for your beard/your skin underneath that beard of yours. A bottle usually runs for about $25 online, but can be found cheaper at other locations. All you need to do is put a few (literally three to four drops, depending on the size of your beard) in your hand, rub them together, then rub your beard until it’s as soft as a goose feather mattress on top of a sea of cotton balls wrapped in the hair of an angel; be sure to get all the way down to the skin, since this product is for your skin as much as it is your beard. Once you feel nice and fluffy, get rid of that scraggly behemoth on your face by combing (I know it all sounds ridiculous, just go with me) said behemoth into a tame man-beard.
Perhaps you’re looking for a more control of those scraggly hairs in that longer, more Zeus-like beard? Look no further than beard balm, which is essentially a pomade for your beard. The same rules apply, but a little balm will go a long, long way. Just apply thoroughly, then groom to the desired look. This rule goes for mustache waxes as well, if you’re more of a solitary mustache kind of guy (if only I were cool enough to only rock a mustache).
And that, gentlemen, is what will take you from hairy-scary Sasquatch to friendly Jesus in minutes! What kind of beard are you looking for? Jesus beard? A little scruff? Somewhere in between? Let me know in the comments down below!
