I've been developing my nonmonogamy skills for over two years. Fundamentally, almost every skill that helps a person be better at nonmonogamy (or more specifically for me, polyamory) is a skill that helps monogamous people, too. To be good at juggling more than one relationship, you have to know how to have a good relationship with one person first.
At the end of the day, all relationships (romantic, familial, platonic and others) require different levels of the same things: effort, attention, and care. Here are some skills that I've learned along the way that just might help you in your own interpersonal life.
1. Ask for what you want and need (and know that they might not be able to give that to you)
“Please don’t text me, I prefer phone calls.”
“I’m sorry, but phone calls make me anxious.”
“I want this relationship to be exclusive. I’m starting to really care about you a lot.”
“I really think I’d like that, too.”
If you don’t ask, who will know that they should give it to you?
2. Understand where your emotions are coming from
In nonmonogamy, this is important for dealing with feelings like jealousy or insecurity. Most of the time, when we feel hurt by something that a person does without direction intention for harm, it’s an emotional reaction that says more about ourselves than it does about our best friend who just invited someone new to the weekly coffee date you’ve been having for three semesters now. It’s likely that you might be feeling replaced, or maybe it’s just that you don’t feel equal in this friendship because she didn’t ask you for your opinion on the matter.
Every jealous or insecure response is important. You’re not bad for feeling this way. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, and sometimes that’s all you really need to move past them. But what matters is that you look and see what’s underneath these emotions that are making this little thing not such a little problem after all.
This will help you maintain your connections with people, and maybe even to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable.
3. Comparison
Vocabulary time! Compersion is when you are happy for someone else’s happy. In nonmonogamy, that’s being excited for your partner’s upcoming first date with a new cutie. In the real world, compersion is being excited for your study buddy who rocked that quiz--even though you didn’t do quite as well.
This valuable skill helps a lot with jealousy, too. Your best friend has a super cute new date-friend and they have to change your weekly brunch to an every-other-weekly brunch? Compersion. This person has one more person in their life that is giving them joy. That’s amazing. Your girlfriend just scored that summer internship she’s been working really hard for, and now she can’t come to your hometown to meet your family on the 4th of July weekend? Compersion. She deserves it, and that internship is getting her one step closer to her dream career.
4. Time management
In nonmonogamy, time management is essential. Double-booking dates on Friday night can be disastrous. But in real life, there are other benefits. Part of time management is knowing how much time you’re spending on what (or who) and trying to keep everything balanced. Nonmonogamy time management magic is knowing what time you need for yourself, your girlfriend, your live-in partner, your dogs, your job, your classes, and actually sleeping. And then it’s actually finding a way to fit it all into seven 24-hour days--every week.
The most important part of time-management for me is knowing the line between self-care, and self-indulgence procrastination. Spoilers: It’s REALLY hard to find that balance. But, I know that I have to work hard on it, so I do a much better job of it than I would if I wasn’t conscious of these kinds of things.
5. Flexibility
No, I don’t mean yoga. When I talk about flexibility in nonmonogamy, I mean something else. An important part of nonmonogamy is the ability to not put a potential partner into a box shaped like what you think you want from the relationship you might have with them. Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert (the authors of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory) have compared dating (and the relationships that come afterword) to tending a garden: you’re not sure by the seed what kind of plant you’re going to get, and if you force an oregano bush to live like a lemon tree, you probably will lose your oregano bush.
This kind of flexibility is good in real life because you can roll with the changes life gives you. Your best friend doesn’t have to always be your best friend, your boyfriend doesn’t have to stay your boyfriend, and this date you’re going on next Friday? It could turn into anything--just enjoy the evening and try to appreciate this person and the time you’re spending with them.
