I haven't always been a Grinch around the holidays. Actually, quite the opposite. I have always emerged myself in everything holiday related: Family gatherings, Christmas trees, hot cocoa, hallmark movies, Christmas music. The holidays filled me with joy and was the best time of the year for me. This year, however, I am not looking forward to the holidays.
Ebenezer Scrooge
I think we've all heard about Ebenezer Scrooge. He's the grumpy old man in A Christmas Carol that hates Christmas. Most people think it's insane.. how could he hate Christmas? Christmas is supposed to be the best time of the year. Christmas songs. Homemade food. Baked goods. Christmas movies. Presents. Holiday cheer. Family. All of the things that make our hearts feel warm and cozy.
However, this year I feel like I relate to Ebenezer Scrooge. I don't get excited and giddy about Hallmark movies. I don't get a warm and fuzzy feeling passing through the Christmas isle at Homegoods. I don't want to turn on Christmas music. And I DEFINITELY am not feeling the holiday cheer. I've actually never looked forward to the holiday season passing, but this year I can't wait for it to be over. It's not that I hate Christmas, I don't. I have nothing against Christmas itself. It's just that Christmas this year symbolizes loss and grief.
It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?
Correction: It's the most wonderful saddest time of the year.
If You've Ever Lost A Loved One.. You'll Understand
We have always done holiday events at my grandma's. Some of my happiest memories come from spending time at grandma's house with the rest of my family. My grandma always cooked the best food, especially pumpkin pie.. my mouth is watering just thinking about it. But this year, we won't be going to grandma's house.
This past summer we lost her due to her battle with cancer. Her death has been extremely hard for my family and I. She was the most caring and down to earth person I know. She had the biggest heart imaginable. She was the rock of our family, the glue that held everything together. Nothing made her happier than the holiday season and spending time with her family. I like to think this is where I got my love for the holidays from.
When she passed, she took a piece of me with her. A piece I may never get back. With that piece, my love for the holidays also left.
Healing and Moving Forward
Grief is something that you can't prepare for. You can't google a tutorial on how to deal with grief. It's something that you have to experience for yourself. My grief comes and goes in waves. Some days I'm swimming, other days I feel like I can barely keep afloat. I try to remain focused on the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there will be still be hurt, but it won't sting like a thousand needles when I think about it. I know that if there was a telephone line to heaven, my grandma would call to tell me to enjoy the holidays. I know she would also tell me that she will still be here in spirit.
I hope that eventually I regain my love for the holidays. I hope that Christmas trees and decorations and Christmas music gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling again. But more than anything, I hope that the holidays won't create some of the saddest months of the year. But until then... bah humbug.
