My high school friends, God bless 'em, had an interesting way of dealing with confrontation and arguments of all kinds. When one person was mad at another person in our group, it was taken out in the form of the dagger that females are famously good at throwing: passive aggression.
It would come out of nowhere. We’d be sitting at the lunch table, and the victim would say something like, “Hey, we should really do x after lunch,” to which the angry friend would promptly respond, “Or we could just like not do that!” This super hostile comment would warrant some forced laughter, a some awkward silence, and then a Hail Mary comment from a peacemaker who would say something like, “But how good are the brownies today?!”
Passive aggression is to girls as physical aggression is to guys. It is not socially acceptable for a female to punch her friend in the groin for doing something totally uncool so instead, when women are upset, we take it out in the womanliest way possible. That is, by saying things that to the untrained ear don’t sound that bad -- maybe even sound nice -- but low-key have a ton of pent-up anger behind them.
The discreet, between-the-lines nature of passive aggressiveness is completely foreign to men, so trying to explain to a guy that the seemingly neutral text your friend sent you actually means that she wants to wring your neck is like trying to toilet train a dog. Common passive aggressive phrases include “It’s fine” which really means “F off” and “We're good” actually meaning “I’m still super mad.” An important development in the passive aggressive movement was the introduction of the word “Lol” into our mainstream texting vocabulary, which has made it possible to make virtually any statement to passive aggressive. E.g. “I totally disagree lol,” meaning “I think that everything you say is stupid.”
Passive aggressiveness can be comical when it is not directed at you, but the truth about passive aggression is that its actually super destructive and hurtful. Although it allows us to avoid dealing with our problems directly, not all problems resolve themselves with time. Most problems between friends actually need to be confronted and actively resolved between two mature and honest parties.
Yes, often mature confrontation is difficult, and most of us do everything in our power to avoid it. It can be awkward, emotional, and draining to speak honestly about something that is bothering you. But as college women, we are too old to be acting like we did at the high school lunch table.
Do we sometimes wish we could just be like guys and resolve our issues by beating the s--t out of each other and then calling a truce? Yes. However, the double standard that says we cannot do that with out being labeled "psycho bitches" is actually a blessing. Because although passive aggression,and physical violence, are temporary channels for anger, learning to resolve issues through honest communication is an essential life lesson.
