For most of my adult life I have been known as a bit of a pretentious and opinionated person; people I love and care about have said that the things I say don’t really matter and that my opinions aren’t worth considering or arguing with. When I go on rants about political/social issues I can feel the annoyance of my company trilling off them in waves; or sometimes they “listen” and comment and pretend to care and then a few days later forget everything I said and make fun of me in front of others. It’s not always political/social issues, sometimes it’s something else I am passionate about like music, a book, or a TV show/movie; people are more likely to listen to me when this is the case because I guess it is easier for them. Rarely do I feel like I’m actually listened to, and that’s only with a few precious people in my life.

When it’s something I have written I feel more people pay attention but when someone disagrees they often just read to find a weak point to focus on so they can perform a masturbatory argument on Facebook to prove how grandiose and intelligent they are; they write paragraphs of the same argument with different words without paying much attention to the details of a response…only to prove again that they aren’t listening; I usually give up when that’s the case and fall into a silence to help them believe they “won”. (I can’t say I’m not guilty of the same behavior because I’m sure I’ve been too impressed by my own “intelligence” to listen to someone else’s point.)

I don’t care much that people don’t listen when I’m talking about inconsequential things (I mean I still care a little because it’s proving that they don’t care about me enough to be interested in what I like) but when it comes to important political and social issues I care. It’s not important for someone I care about to love the same music as me but it is important for them to absorb the important issues about the society we live in. It’s easy for us to ignore all the horrible things happening; it’s nicer to ignore those things, there is a reason they say “ignorance is bliss”. Bringing up issues that are effecting people other than myself and the people I am talking to tends to kill the buzz of a gathering; but I’d rather kill the buzz than remain silent; I’d rather drain the comfort of some few people, even if it’s just for the night, to help them understand that their comfort is something other people in this world don’t have.

I don’t have much. I’m not in a position of power or influence. My voice is all I have and I will use it. For a long time, my entire childhood, teen years, and a few years in my adult life, I didn’t use my voice; in fact, I sheltered myself and let myself be sheltered by those with stronger voices than me; my beliefs, my values, and my identity were given to be by people with my interests in mind. As much as I love and appreciate those people I have found myself and silence isn’t a part of me anymore.

I come across as pretentious; I use big words and explain confusing concepts; I wasn’t born to be a teacher and I don’t have a talent for getting my point across or helping people grow but I’m not going to let that stop me trying. I’m not going to be silenced. I’m not going to stop trying to improve this world with the only tool I have at my disposal. Hopefully, someday, people will start listening.