At some point in life, you will question what you are actually doing with your life. At least, that's what I am doing while writing this right now. This is my second year at Stony Brook and I still don't think I have got my sh*t together, like everything. From my major, involvement in clubs and organization to friends and family, I made tons of mistakes and wrong decisions that I still regret now. I asked myself, What if I never committed to this, perhaps my college life would be less stressful.
As a journalism and business double major, I didn't know what I got myself into until I began taking courses for both majors. I struggled a lot with dealing with numbers and statistics in my business classes while being a skillful writer in my journalism classes. I feel like I am stuck in the middle in which I am not even on top of the things I do. However, I tried not to think this negatively and kept moving and doing what I have to do in class. Still, I feel incompetent as a writer as if I am not good enough to be an editor in any newspaper organizations.
On top of that, I am juggling classes and commitments I have in school. I thought I could handle both by taking up more responsibilities, but I ended up I sacrificing a lot of things. I was responsible for planning out social and professional events for my organization, and, most importantly, attracting new members to the club. During this process, I carried a huge burden and never sought help, so I ended up lashing out at people without actually realizing it. A week ago, I had a small argument with my friend and it was not until she was honest with me, that I realized my words could be that hurtful.
It is still pretty hard to find a balance between what I like to do and what I have to do. People may not understand the work you put in and why you have so much on your plate. I have learned my lesson in not keeping everything to myself when I actually can't handle everything at the same time. Now, when I take a step back, I regret not reaching out to people when I know my friends and family always have my back. This is certainly one of my biggest weaknesses -- do I actually think thoroughly before going after a goal or is that something I actually want to do? In the end, I would have to sacrifice something like friendship or even grades. Another question I keep asking myself is, Is it worth after all? I cannot let all these ruin and determine my happiness.
I never thought about it until someone reminded me yesterday, until she told me, "Don't let a lot of your happiness depend on someone or something else." To those who are reading this now, whatever you do, always think about yourself because, sometimes, in the end, you got to take yourself with you.
