Having expectations can lead to disappointment. In any relationship you have – romantic, platonic, or with family – it may just be easier to get rid of that.

Maybe your mother expects you to do certain things around the house, because that’s what she did as a child. Maybe your significant other loves to spoil you with gifts, because they love receiving gifts. And maybe your friends think you don’t spend enough time with them. Having expectations for these type of things can really hurt a relationship if the expectation is kept, because everyone’s idea of it is different.

Not everyone is going to have the same values in life. Sometimes generation and cultural differences will play a part. Or lifestyle, and what someone was taught. You can’t expect everyone to value the same things, because none of us come from the same place. Even siblings aren’t always going to have the same values, because they probably had other influences growing up.

I, for example, can easily be swayed with good food and little meaningful gifts. However, I should not expect others to do that for me. I can appreciate it when it happens, but if I expect it, I will be let down any time someone doesn’t happen to read my mind.

Looking for the problematic root of expectations, I believe, lies in the hands of comparison. Comparing it to what you have been taught, comparing to someone in a similar situation as you, or comparing to what you see that you want.

There is nothing wrong about wanting certain things. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to buy you flowers one day, or wanting someone to listen to you as much as you listen to them. However, people are going to do what they want, and they are probably going to think differently than you and that is OK. In the end, you get to choose whether someone gets to stay in your life or not. But are you going to write someone off, just because they have different values than you? I hope not!

Having no expectations is different than being unequal. An unequal relationship is one-sided, and no one-sided relationships will last. Be careful not to mix up those two, because it is easy to do so. If someone doesn’t do something small and simple that you expect, it can lead to you believing that they simply do not care.

But what if they’re doing something else to help you that you haven’t even noticed? Just because someone isn’t obviously putting effort into the same things as you, doesn’t mean they’re not putting in the same amount of effort and care as you have for them.

As someone who is still learning to get rid of expectations, it has allowed me to focus more on what someone else has to offer in the relationship. Yes, some people may still be stuck on the expectation wagon, but that doesn’t mean you have to be! Lead by example.

Lessening the expectations you have on others takes away the time you spend dwelling on why you’re not getting what you are expecting, and gives you more time and attention to appreciate what someone else is doing for you.

Sometimes, it is hidden in the little cracks of daily activities. Maybe your roommate is incredibly busy today, but still makes time to check in on you and ask you how your day was. Or maybe it is your family leaving the last piece of cake for you, because they know it’s your favorite.

It’s hidden in the little things. And the little things? They are actually the big things – things worth remembering and holding on to.