Young. Ignorant. Selfish.

These are the three words I hear the most when I tell people that I don’t want children. The conversation can come across in various ways:

Upon seeing an adorable little girl with bouncy pigtails and an outfit that screams "Carters," a friend turns to me and tells me she can’t wait until she has a daughter of her own. I smile and tell her that’s sweet and that the girl is cute, but I never want kids. She looks at me and laughs it off, saying we’re just young – that I’ll change my mind when I’m a little older.

Over dinner, I remark to my father that my old classmate from elementary school is pregnant. I show him the photo of her swollen belly and the card she holds saying “five weeks to go.” He asks me when I’m going to settle down like her. When I tell him never, he scoffs and reminds me that I don’t know enough to understand what not having kids will mean.

My mother and I are out shopping when she sees a group of people she knows from her childhood. We walk over to them and the telltale conversation about me begins. Between the women crooning, “I haven’t seen you since you were this big” and “look how much she’s grown” someone says it won’t be long until I’m seeing my old friends at the mall with my daughter. My mother laughs and says that I’m never having kids. “She’s too selfish." No matter how it starts the conversation always ends in the same way: with one of those three words being said and with me rolling my eyes over fake and tight-lipped smile or stalking away from those questioning my life choices. But I don’t want to avoid the confrontation anymore. I don’t want to fade into the background when someone makes one of these statements (or their many variations) to me.

Here’s the deal – baseline, simple: I do not want children.

I do not want to have my own children. I do not want to adopt children. I do not want to foster children.

I do not want children and it is not because I am young.

When I was young, all I wanted was to be a mother. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a mom and when they said, “no, what job?” I said teacher because I could have the same days off as my kids. I was one of those little girls who used to watch "A Baby Story" on TLC everyday – eyes glued to the screen to know as much as I could about having a child. I had lists of baby names. I knew I wanted to have a boy before I had a girl and I knew I wanted to have them before I was 27.

When I was young, I wanted kids. Now that I am older I don’t.

In fact, the idea that “I’m just young”, comes from a negative place. One: that categorizes people that do not want kids as inherently immature or, in its more interesting form, not complete human beings. As though becoming a parent is the end all be all of the human experience. As though you are missing out on the best part of life by denying yourself a child. As though I’ll look back decades from now and realize what a grave mistake I had made by letting the one thing life is about pass me by.

But I don’t think life experiences organize themselves into hierarchical levels.

I don’t think being a parent is the ultimate goal.

I think there is more to life than being a mother and I think the idea of children ushering people (especially women) into adulthood is problematic for not only the parent, but the child as well. Not to mention the women who want children, but are sadly unable to carry them. Are they less human because they cannot have children? Any less of a woman? No, of course not, that’s ridiculous. Because there is more to life than bearing a child. There is more to life than being a mom.

I do not want children and I am not going to have problems finding a man.

More annoying than “one day you’ll change your mind” is “one day you’ll have to change your mind.” I’ve heard it from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and on one occasion even a friend.

Wanting me to be happy. Concerned for my well-being. Wanting to help me understand that life isn’t made for those who don’t want to bring others into it.

These are the usual reasons for telling me I need to change my mind and that I’d better do it before I meet a man. Because a good man wants children. My first problem with this argument is the simplest. That’s not true. You can tell me as many times as you would like that I “just don’t get it yet”, but here’s the deal – not every woman wants kids. Not every man wants kids. I am not doomed to be alone for the rest of my life because I don’t want a big family. When ever I am told this I desperately hold back saying “there are other people like me, you know…”

The second and more complicated argument is this: I am very upfront about my desire not to have children. It isn’t something I hide away like a fatal flaw to my every being. If I’m upfront about it and you want children this is your time to go. I am no fool to think that I may have a relationship end because a person that I am with decides they want children and it is not something they can negotiate on. I understand that sometimes there are things you can’t get past. I also think that there are some things that you can – that in some cases wanting children are a negotiable topic. That some people will make these choices. I am okay with that. I am not dying alone.

I don’t want children and NO I am NOT selfish.

This one angers me the most. This is the one thing I get told the most when I say I don’t want kids, but I can never really understand why.

Saying that I’m selfish is just not logical. I’m not taking anything away from anyone. I am just doing what I want to do with my life – the only one we’ve got to live. How is that selfish?

Let’s play a game:

Pretend you see a shirt in the store that you do not want to buy. Everyone tells you that you will one-day want that shirt – need that shirt. Do you buy the shirt that you do not want? If you don’t does that make you selfish?

Game over. What have you learned?

On the other hand it can also be an insinuation – saying me not wanting kids has some weight over what kind of a person I am. As though I could never have a child because it would demand too much attention be taken off of me. As though I need things to be about me and go my way at all times. Besides being 100 percent horrible to think that it’s circular logic – if I say I don’t want kids I’m selfish and if I say that’s not true I just don’t see how I’m selfish because I am – and it’s wrong.

And on the off chance I was a selfish person – someone who arguably wouldn’t be a good mother (something I believe about myself, but for reasons far and from that) – why on earth should I have a child?

So when people tell me I’m young. Ignorant. Selfish. All because I don’t want to be a mother. All because I see my life unfolding a different way – YES, I am offended. Because I see my life as being about more than motherhood (not that motherhood is negative). Because it is something I do not understand. Because this is my life and I’ve stopped trying to tell others how to live theirs.

Let me live mine.