Nicolas Cage Travels in Time, Becomes Bounty Hunter | The Odyssey Online
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Nicolas Cage Travels in Time, Becomes Bounty Hunter

"Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide"

Adam Unger
Sep 26, 2016
Susquehanna University
19
Nicolas Cage Travels in Time, Becomes Bounty Hunter
Thrillist

GALACTOID REPUBLIC, OUTER MILKY WAY - Stepping from the depths of an unstable wormhole, intergalactic news sources have confirmed that 21st century actor Nicolas Cage has traveled from his own time period, decked in a black leather trench coat and sunglasses, into our reality, a reality he describes as "a place for resting, reflecting, and pursuing deadly criminals."

"Before beginning my pilgrimage, I got really caught up on all sorts of space-lingo. From my perspective, if I'm going to be spending most of my free time travelling at light speed to various quadrants of the outer universe, all in pursuit of intergalactic murderers, drug dealers, and thieves, then I had better become accustomed to the various beliefs, practices, and customs of the diverse targets that I will encounter," Cage was quoted saying by several intergalactic news sources.

"Even as I relentlessly track elusive criminals to the most rugged corners of the galaxy on missions to capture or kill, it does not give me any reason to belittle the beliefs and customs that are sacred to the people of these diverse cultures," Cage added while twirling an X-87 Destroyer pistol between his fingertips, before slapping the weapon into its holster in a most epic manner. "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide when the Cagester comes for you. That's going to be my bounty hunter name." When questioned by galactic news sources on why he traveled forward in time, Cage was quoted saying:

"I've always had a passion for helping people. When I had starred in my first Hollywood blockbusters, I'd hold free acting workshops on the side to hone the skills of aspiring young performers. I've always had a firm belief in helping those who couldn't help themselves, in paying it forward," said Cage. "So, traveling forward in time, armed with the latest futuristic weaponry and a slick pair of shades, to hunt down dangerous alien fugitives escaping galactic justice only seemed like the next logical step." Though Cage has repeatedly stated his dedication to "space justice", the actor was reported as also being eager to see how his "timeless works of art" have affected future generations. When informed that all Earth-made movies were destroyed during the destruction of Earth in 3287, Cage was quoted saying:

"Fuck. Well, I just have to look on the bright side! At least nobody remembers 'The Wicker Man.'"

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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