I know how you are. You're the type of girl who lights herself on fire just to keep someone else warm. You're young, you're shy, you're almost always female. Perhaps we're built out of southern gentility, taught along with our alphabets that we are supposed to be small and accommodating, but I think it's something different: we're nice girls who want to see good things in the world. You're trying to advocate for change, but see it happen in only the smallest arenas in your life, ones you have control over. You want everyone to be happy. This is a noble goal, but it is equally impossible. So you sacrifice yourself, piece by piece, to see other people smile. Most of the time, they give you nothing back. You hate saying no. Girls like us are the Paula Abduls of the world.
Stop. You're better than that.
"No" is the strongest word in your vocabulary. Hold on to it like a lifeline. It is not a bad word.
When boys you barely know press up against you and say things that make your skin crawl, do not laugh. Do not play along. Tell them no. Tell them they are disgusting. Ask if their mother knows how they speak to young women.
When your coworkers ask you to take on the burden of five of them all by yourself, tell them no. You are going home to watch TV and cuddle with your cats. This is what has kept you going for the last five hours, not their shallow gossip, not their subtle digs at girls who wear too-heavy makeup. They will try to guilt you. Do not let them win.
When a girl who is almost your friend asks for your lunch, say no. Ask her to share instead. Pass her the peanut butter sandwich your mom made and ask what her favorite color is. She'll laugh.
The world likes to break nice people, but it is only because of a sense of obligated cynicism: people are only too good to be true when there is a perception that people are, by nature, bad. You are a good person, a nice person. But you are still a person in need of care and compassion. Listen to your body's whispers before they turn into shouts: this, too, is true of your mind. When people do not listen to your patient "no," make it a harsher "no." If they still push, walk away. They are not worth your time.
Learn your boundaries. Learn what is right, what is easy and what you will not stand for. It takes time and patience to learn how to put your foot down, but being in control of your own life is a powerful sort of magic.
Let no one tell you that you are weak. Softness and kindness are an impressive strength, an intrinsic strength, one weaved into your hair and bones and deoxyribonucleic acid. Above all, do not let the world rob your softness.
