It’s been over a week since the new year began and we returned to school, so you know what that means! No, not just the end of syllabus week and the introduction to midterms and sadness; it’s time for us to check out how we’re doing on our New Year’s resolutions! Maybe you’re trying to get in on that #NewYearNewMe lifestyle by cutting down on takeout or vowing to hit the gym 12 times a day. Maybe you’re vowing to spend more time with your friends or on the flipside, vowing to find a bae. A real one, not just one from Tinder. A real one, not just that one really attractive person in your class who looked at you once. But here’s the thing: we can’t all be successful people. According to the Liz Lagatta Center for Inaccurate Statistics, a whopping 67 percent of people give up their resolution after one week. Are you part of the 67 percent? Let’s find out.
Oops, it’s already broken.
Well, you certainly aren’t alone. My New Year’s resolution was to quit drinking so much soda, and what have I been drinking every day? Here’s a hint: it rhymes with pagoda. So perhaps you’ve vowed to get all of your homework done early, but instead of doing your reading for your 8 a.m. you’re sitting up and reading this. Perhaps you wanted to cut out swearing but you stubbed your toe on your way to class and unleashed a torrent of creatively worded insults to that wicked curb. Now, while you’re currently a failure, the good news is that you don’t have to continue to be a failure. Much like Captain Planet and his Planeteers, the power is yours!
But what do I do now? Well, my wise advice is to try to follow your resolution. My more helpful advice is to make your resolution more doable. Perhaps instead of trying to go from eating pizza every single day to not at all, start by limiting it to once a week.
I haven’t done a damn thing.
All right, maybe you haven’t aggressively contradicted your goals, but you also haven’t done anything to move towards your dreams. At this point, you aren’t quite a failure, but you don’t deserve to be called a success. Until a word exists to describe you, you’re going to have to make a choice one way or the other. Preferably choose to follow your resolution.
But what do I do now? Uhh, do your resolution. Like, super hard. Wow.
I’m killing it.
You go! You’ve been eating sprouts and hitting the gym every day, and you can already feel some semblance of abs forming. You’re a rare breed. You’re the unicorn of 2016, and it’s an honor to have real live unicorns reading my articles. What kind of advice can anyone possibly give you? You’re probably halfway to a Nobel prize, champ!
But what do I do now? Just keep doing what you’re doing, bucko. Don’t let your early success lull you into a false sense of security. I think that everyone read the story of the tortoise and the hare as a child. Seriously, who the hell takes a nap in the middle of a race? Who can get comfortable enough on the sidelines of a race to take a nap? Why weren’t all the parents concerned about how unrealistic this story is for young minds?
I didn’t make one because I know I’ll fail/I’m too cool for consumerist New Year’s resolutions.
Well, congratulations. Are you looking for a medal? Shall we print you out a certificate that congratulates you on being too perfect to improve? Well guess what? You’re gonna miss out on all of the New Year’s fun! Yeah! Everyone else is totally going to succeed at their resolutions! Have fun feeling empty and unfulfilled!
But what do I do now? It’s not too late to make one. Even if you make some tiny resolution like resolving to wear real pants more often, you’re still getting into that New Year state of mind and giving yourself something to bring up in classroom icebreakers. Just don’t be a cheater and make some stupid resolution like “I resolve to eat more tacos.” No one likes a cheater. You should resolve to stop cheating, cheater.
Unless your resolution was to read more of my articles, what are you still doing here? Go resolve your New Year!
