I often find myself staying up late into the night at home, staring into the corner of my room until, slowly, the lines dividing the walls and ceiling disappear. It always starts the same way. At the end of the day, I find myself the ruler of my thoughts again. Another day, they whisper before sharing a moment of silence for what’s come to pass. Frustration, fear, anxiety, and self-loathing all dance across the room as flickering shadows.
We would like to believe ourselves above the flaws in our character-- that our imperfections and mistakes are brought out by some set of random occurrences that could be rectified through perseverance and discipline. In an effort to not drown in self-doubt and find the confidence to move forward, we brush aside our insecurities and find ourselves confused by how others let it rule their lives. Then, just as we naturally breathe, we stumble back into some variance of our former vices.
Half awake and half asleep, so bold and yet so fearful, we row our boats in the sea of our own wavering convictions praying to reach the land of our dreams. Our arms are about to give out. The taste of blood and salt fill our mouths. We carry on, no longer thinking about the actions that are keeping us alive. The second we do, the second it becomes a choice, who’s to say we’ll keep rowing?
Our life becomes determined by thoughtless motions and our eyes know only how to look forward. Before I know it, I wake up to find my alarm clock blaring on the morning of a new year.
I find no sentiment, no enthusiasm for 2017.
Instead, I’ll carry on rowing knowing full well it could be for nothing. A new year means nothing, it doesn’t mean a clean slate. I’m still in that same boat as I was the night before, just this time I’ll accept all that responsibility and try to smile more.
Happy New Year! Don’t let time be the benchmark of your development-- just keep moving.
