A couple of months ago, I got interviewed for one of my classes by another classmate. As we sat and got through the "about me" part, he asked me a question that I thought I had an answer for, but immediately was shocked at what came out. He respectfully asked, “What is the hardest thing you've been through and how did it shape you into the person you are today?” What I expected to come out was one of the difficult things my family had gone through, but instead I said, “Getting my heart broken. Losing myself when I lost him.”
I'm sure this sounds immature, inexperienced, and selfish to say that a heartbreak is the hardest thing I've gone through. Justifying and saying that my heartbreak is as bad as others’ hard days or life is definitely not what I'm doing. I could also tell you that I've experienced lots of bumpy roads in my short 20 years, but that the day I found myself at my lowest was after my first love.
On the other hand, I'd like to go ahead and say that I don't regret the love, effort, and time I spent in this relationship. Although this was my first real relationship, I also assumed it'd be my last. I loved with everything I had and learned how to be vulnerable to another person. What I didn't realize until recently was how much this one moment, where I felt like the world was crashing down around me, changed my life and saved me.
It has almost been a year and I couldn't describe how much I've learned and grown. When I was in this relationship, I had put all my worth in him. I believed for so long that without him I was nothing. For so long he was all I had wanted. After pushing all my family, friends, and school work aside to make him my number one priority, he was essentially all I ended up having. I don't even blame him for what I went through because I realize that I, at the time, didn't see myself as whole or worthy of being great unless it came from him. I was constantly seeking his approval, that it almost became an addiction. That at moments if he hadn't noticed me trying so hard to please him, that I was convinced he didn't care anymore.
Many people ask why I don't take compliments well or comment that I am too cocky to just reply thank you because I know I am “amazing, beautiful, smart, etc.” Well, this assumption couldn't be more unrealistic. I do know that I'm fun to be around, not as ugly as my childhood days, and fight like hell to make people happy and proud; but no matter how many times you hear something, it means nothing until you believe it yourself.
Adding to this, I get the questions, “How are you single?” “Are you still stuck on your ex?” “If you aren't looking for a boyfriend, you must be messing with multiple guys.” The answer is that, yes I am single because I choose to be. Of course, I will always care for my first love but I'm not in love with him anymore nor would I want to put either of us back into that relationship. And no, just because I'm not looking to settle down, doesn't mean I'm looking for a reason to not be committed to someone.
I am single because, after all of this, I'm finding my worth. I'm learning to grow on my own, without the help of a boy or my parents or anyone to tell me when and how to do something. I'm finding my dreams and setting expectations for myself that are higher than I believe I can achieve. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that sometimes I'm going to look great and sometimes I'm going to see the extra calories I've consumed on the weekends. I'm taking the compliments a little at a time and trying to realize that these people must see something in me I have yet to see in myself. I'm seeking my own approval and taking in the moments where I make myself proud to be who I am and who I strive to be.
I am 20 years old. As much as I love to talk about relationship goals and fawn over the hot, shirtless guys in the gym, I have plenty of time to do this. I’ll have time to settle down in the future and just because I meet a good, genuine, worth my time guy, doesn't mean there won't be more. Timing is everything and right now, this time is for me. So to all of my family and friends, boys that think they can "fix me," "complete me," "make me happy;" do not worry about my relationship status, because as far as I'm concerned I'm in the best relationship I could ever imagine and it is with myself.
