What first began as a series of unfortunate set backs for Papa John’s, the new pizza chain in the UMC, is now believed to be a continuing pattern of paranormal harassment. The alleged culprit? The recently relocated CU celebrity “Dominos Guy.” The so-called “hauntings” began early as the new store replaced Domino’s early this year to the lament of many students, and quite clearly “Domino’s Guy” himself. Papa Johns manager Shelly McDougal provides the inside scoop (or slice if you’re into that pun-infused type of journalism).

“It started off with some small stuff, you know, nothing that I really read into. The parmesan packets we’d receive were expired, a number of our garlic sauce containers exploded in transit, small things like that.”

As she spoke to me, there was an unshakable fear in her eyes. Rapid movements, twitching fingers, general restlessness; clearly this was a manger robbed of her peace of mind.

“I thought it was just a series of things that would get under control as we got into the groove of things. You know, it’s a new store and everything, there’s bound to be some hiccups along the way. I just didn’t think anything of it at the time. Then it just didn’t stop, man. IT DIDN’T STOP.”

The interview took a considerable intermission as McDougal broke into an inconsolable psychotic meltdown. Shelly can be best described as an ugly crier. In all my couple weeks of journalism, I never saw such human wreckage. She grew calm as she was fitted into her Papa John's straight jacket she keeps handy behind the counter just for occasions such as this.

“Then it escalated. I would come in to open the store, and all our Papa John’s boxes would be changed to Domino’s. I’d catch a glance of him in the employee bathroom. I’d see his face in the grease stains at the bottom of every box. And everyday at exactly 5 pm I’d hear his voice gently whisper ‘Dollar Slices,’ even when I’m not working! HE WON’T LET US BE! WHY? WHY?! ITS HIM! HE'S BACK!!”

(Please pardon the semi-relevant Harry Potter nod.) In all satirical seriousness, McDougal is currently in a stable condition.

Arrived on the scene was okay-actor Jennifer Love Hewitt to offer her expertise on the situation, given her experience on the show "Ghost Whisperer."

“I think what we have here is some kinda ghost maybe.”

Thanks Jennifer.

The spirit of Domino’s Guy seems to have been so outgoing, it adhered into the surrounding drywall where it still exists today. It permeates through the West food court section of the UMC. His motivations are simple: sabotage. It seems that any business there that is not Domino’s is subject to these strange and hilarious hauntings. He is on an ever-vigilant campaign to bring dollar slices back to the haggard student population. Perhaps this is why any outcries from students has not been heard by this point.

One thing is certain: Domino’s Guy and his tip-inducing personality is missed by and large by all on this campus. Wherever his travels (and band, which is totally a thing and totally awesome) may take him, his spirit will ever-dwell in the corridors of the UMC. Papa’s got some big shoes to fill.